Girlnamedblake.

Welp...

2012-02-01T15:52:00.004-06:00

A lot of major "life events" have taken place in the last 1.5 months! So, um... We got married. We went on our awesome honeymoon to Europe. While in London, I had a birthday and turned 25 (eek!). We came back. We merged our bank accounts. I changed my name. And now, we're settling into our home and "married life."

And it... is... awesome.

:)

Jack moved into the house back in 2009, but I still feel like I'm "moving in" and trying to find spaces and homes for things. But... it's really fun. I love having a space to call our own. I love figuring out life together!

I'll share some wedding/honeymoon pics soon, but for now... here's one of my fav's from Ireland!

Countdown.

2011-12-14T10:02:00.001-06:00

1... More day of work this week.

2... Days until the Rehearsal Din.

3... Days until I get to marry Jack.

12... Days until our honeymoon in Ireland.

... I'M FREAKING GETTING MARRIED. REALLY SOON. AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deep breath.

So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so stinking excited.

Can't handle my life right now. :)

Life lately.

2011-11-22T15:15:00.001-06:00

Life has been zany lately. Not in a bad way. Just... reallyreallyreally busy. And tiring. And crazy. And a little bit stressful. And exciting. I have so much joy and anticipation in my bones. 25 days till I get to marry my best friend. I can hardly stand it!

I'll blog more... someday. But for now... enjoy this fantastic light show from the 6th Annual Castlegiving celebration. You're welcome. :)

October baseball.

2011-10-24T13:41:00.000-05:00

Sorry for being MIA lately. It's because of this:

Rats in the Cellar.

2011-09-26T10:34:00.007-05:00

“We begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are. This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case. When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated. On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light.”

Humbling/challenging thoughts this morning. Thanks, C.S. Lewis. :)

City girl?

2011-09-19T12:02:00.002-05:00

This past weekend, Jack & I attended an ever-so-lovely wedding out in St. Albans. Very fun and fancy. Lots of new friends, hilarious memories, and a whole lot of dancing. We decided it's one of the most fun weddings we've been to yet!

I guess technically, St. Albans/Wildwood area is considered St. Louis County, but my goodness... it's quite a drive! More than I remembered it being.

On the way back, we stopped at the Chesterfield Mall to drop off Jack's suit, and then the Chesterfield Chipotle for a hefty burrito lunch. While there, I mentioned to Jack that it was just "so crazy" there were so many Cardinal fans! (I briefly forgot we were only 40 minutes from STL city. Ha. It seemed so foreign!)

He laughed.

"Well," he said, "It's good you think that way. Just means you feel at home in the city." :)

Just 89 days left until I get to finally LIVE in the city! So. Stinking. Excited.

New favorite youtube vid:

2011-09-15T09:48:00.001-05:00

Thoughts on blogging.

2011-09-07T13:38:00.002-05:00

I've blogged since the spring of 2005. 2005!!! I cannot believe that. I recently looked up my old xanga to reminisce. (Yeah, remember xanga?) :) Hilarious.

Throughout my blogging "life," I've blogged multiple times a week and I've gone months with not a word. I was better back then, with the ritual of sitting down, most likely a mug of coffee in hand, soft tunes playing over my macbook speakers, inspired to put my thoughts on the screen. These days, I'm sporadic at best.

I want to change that.

To save money for the wedding, I moved home a few months ago. Consequently, I've been sleeping in my old bedroom, filled with old pictures and magazine clippings, old notes and journals and memories. I used to be so good at capturing my day-to-day life on paper. In high school and college, I wrote constantly. About everything. Pages and pages! I don't really have time to do that these days, but what I do have time to do is this:

I found this on my new favorite website, pinterest.com. Go there, and you will be hooked, I promise you. It's a treasure trove of DIY project ideas, style & food inspiration, and lots of dreamy things that make you go ooh and ahh. ANYWAYS! This is "week at a time journaling." My Grandma actually does this. She records what she does all day: if she had a meaningful conversation, what the weather was like, what's going on in the world. I am seriously considering this. How fun to look back on! I like it.

In addition... I am going to make a bit of a blog comeback, here. I miss it. And there's much going on these days to write about. :) More later!

Best Day of My Life.

2011-04-12T21:38:00.008-05:00

On an unseasonably gorgeous March 17, Jack and I marched alongside an Irish dancing float in the Dogtown St. Patrick's Day parade. He has asked me a few days earlier if I'd march with him. I didn't ever really understand why we were marching, but I didn't ask questions... I thought it would be fun, so I went along with it!

After about 15 minutes of bead throwing and waving, Jack grabbed my hand. "Hey, let's go see our families!" he said. "You know where they are?!" I asked. He knew the exact intersection. Weird... He began taking huge Jack strides, while I ran to catch up. (Confused, but still oblivious.) Upon finally spotting our families, what did I notice first? The huge "Blake, will you MARRY ME?" banner??? Nope. In the excitement of the moment, I immediately spotted my brother in the crowd, in town from college. I freaked out. "PAUL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Ha. :) ...Upon taking a step back, I read the banner. And well. You should probably just take a look at the pics and video. All captured for your viewing pleasure.

TOTAL SHOCK. He got me goooooood! And now we're freakin' ENGAGED!!! I get to marry my best friend on December 17, 2011!!! Christmas wedding!! And then guess where we're honeymooning? Yep, Ireland. SO excited. :)

When I'm old...

2011-02-22T21:36:00.002-06:00

I want to be this lady.

(Shoutout to my sis! Thanks for sharing this, El.) :)

Lately.

2011-02-14T22:46:00.001-06:00

Per usual, I have fallen into a blog drought. ... Aaaand, no one is surprised at this. Ha. I keep getting nudges to write from my sister and a couple other friends who may or may not even read/check this blog anymore. I don't blame you! However sporadically, I promise I'll keep writing. So, feel free to check back from time to time. :)

Life lately... It's been good. I've been so deeply encouraged and challenged by my church and Bible Study group these past few weeks. I'm in a really good place. In Bible Study, we've been discussing and dealing with our own personal roadblocks that are in the way of total freedom in Jesus. I've wrestled with some things. But I've also experienced total peace and freedom... the kind that just washes over you. Know what I'm talking about?! So beautiful. OH! And I'm about to start membership classes at church. Exciting things.

This past weekend was unbelievably beautiful. 70 degrees and sunny in mid-Feb? I'll take it! I know it's inevitably going to get cold again, but I'm hopeful that at least the ice and snow are over. I doooon't really know how much more of that I can take. Once March hits, it really better be over. Too many fun things happening! In addition to all the usual St. Pat's parades, parties, and festivities, Jack and I are going to see the "trifecta" of Irish bands. Flogging Molly, Gaelic Storm, AND Dropkick Murphy's! All in March. All in St. Louis. Sorry we're awesome. I can't even tell you how excited I am for March. 15 days till it alllllll starts. (Oh, and did I mention that all of this is tucked in between Mardi Gras on March 5 and Opening Day on March 31st?!) Geeze Louise. Slowly exhale.

Ok. It's this working woman's bedtime, but before I sign off... a few pics from the past few months to catch you up on my life. :)

TBOX in Chicago: Ethnic Santas.

Christmas Day in the Dominican Republic!

My 24th Birthday! Celebrated at McGurks, of course.

Indy with the girls.

Aaaand these last two are random... but I just finally hung things on the walls last week. (Yep. Been here since Sept!) Anyway, this is my cute little room.

Don't you love that retro flower chair?! Courtesy of the g-ma.

Alright. Now, goodnight!

Little Women.

2010-11-16T20:24:00.004-06:00

Lately, I've been sick. (Hence, the absence from the blog that I so convincingly promised I'd be better about writing in!) Anyway... sick. Real sick. And when you're sick, what better way to spend your time than on the couch, watching movies? Like Little Women. LOVE!!!! Seriously. I have loved this movie since the first time I saw it, when it came out in 1994. Little 7-year-old Blake! Haha. I vividly remember unwrapping the VHS at Grandma's house on Christmas Eve. And then, of course, watching the movie until it literally wore out. (No joke.)

All these years later, it remains my favorite. And I don't forsee that ever changing! It's just too good. I watch it a couple times a year... sometimes when it's raining out... or I'm sick... or I'm sad... or need to be inspired. It's the perfect cure. I highly recommend. And can also quote the whole thing. Ha. But really...

An update of more substance to come later. :)

Pic update.

2010-10-24T19:25:00.000-05:00

I promised some pictures of life over the past several months... Sooo, here's a small smattering of the favs. :)

Niagara Falls!

A trip to Toronto to see the Cards play the Blue Jays!

Summer vaca in Myrtle Beach.

Beach cheers!

The whole fam!

Kristen and me on Uncle Tom's boat.

At the Forest Park Balloon Glow!

Schlafly's Hop in the City.

Friends, cousins, and fam, tailgating before the MIZZOU game!

Wedding in Kansas City.

In front of the Wheel of Fortune bus after the tryouts! Yeeeah!

My bad.

2010-10-05T12:17:00.001-05:00

Geeze Louise! 7 months, missing in action! A new record? Probs. I know you all have been dying to know what is new in my life. All.... 2 of you?! Ha. My bad. I don't know if anyone still reads this, but here goes! In the spirit of new beginnings and a fresh update, I redesigned the blog a little. I mean, who doesn't like a hearty, solid background of... wood?! That's what I'd like to know!

Ok. Well. Since my last bloggage, a few things have happened. A lot of traveling and even a move to a new address! Recap. Let's start with... March. Going off of memory, so just the highlights!

March... A month full of Irish/St. Pat's festivities and general merriment. April... Cardinals Opening Day... my first ever, which included beautiful weather and some tailgating! (Went to many more great Cards games in April.... before they started sucking it up. Ugh!) May... Ellie graduated! (I think?? Or maybe it was June... oops?) She's at Mizzou now, by the way... and joined a sorority - Theta! All grown up! Sheesh. June... Weddings, A trip to Canada to see the Cards play the Blue Jays (SO MUCH FUN) and Niagara Falls (one of my dreams - check!). July... Work conference in D.C. and family vacation in Myrtle Beach! August... Irish Fest in Milwaukee! September... Moved into a cute new house in Webster Groves! Pics to come soon! Joined a new community group/Bible study at my church. Annnd also a visit to Mizzou for fam weekend! (Which means tailgating like pro's and some great Tiger football with fam, cousins, and friends!) October... ANOTHER fam weekend at Taylor (haha...). And as of yesterday, Jack and I have been dating officially for 1 year! Time flies when you're having fun, eh?!

Once I get my pics organized, I promise I'll post a few from the past few months.

Welp. Guess that's it for now! More to come... and more frequently, I promise! Well... at least something new before another 7 months pass. ;)

Oh well.

2010-03-03T23:01:00.006-06:00

So many things have happened in the past month...ish. Dumb things... where I wish there was an "undo" button for my stupidity or that I could just go back 3 seconds and make a different decision.

Case in point: tonight. Because I didn't want to wait for a train, I sped through the railroad crossing as the lights were flashing (right before the bars started coming down). Aaaaand I'm about 99% sure I got a TICKET. I saw a bright, white flash. Really, Webster Groves??! I've never even heard of that before. But the matter been googled. I'm screwed.

I was SO annoyed at myself for not just waiting. I beat myself up about it for about 15 minutes... And then? I realized that there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing! I mean, I'll never go through a railroad crossing again when the lights are flashing. And when my ticket comes, it sucks, but I have to pay it. And... oh well. It happens.

So, I'm learning that when you view life this way, it's freeing. This isn't to say you don't learn from your mistakes... just that you don't dwell in the past and the "what if's" or "I wish's." There's great freedom in that. Some things just don't matter as much as I think they do.

Life lately.

2010-02-25T22:21:00.011-06:00

Life has been flying for me. Has it for you?? It's almost March! Are you kidding?! Don't get me wrong. I am beyond thrilled for March (St. Paddy's Day celebrations, friends' Birthdays...), April (Easter, CARDS OPENING DAY...), May (warmer weather (!!!), parties and BBQs...), June (weddings, a week-long trip to see the Cards in TORONTO!)... Aaaand so the excitement goes... month after month. Man. So many things to look forward to! It's just hard to believe the second month of 2010 is almost over!

So, let's see. What's new? Last Wednesday-Saturday, I was in D.C. for work. My first work trip, haaaay! I went to a conference with over 10,000 people. Since I'm the "Collegians Director" of our organization, I was in charge of promoting our collegians conference this summer... which turned into literally hundreds of mini conversations... over 3 days. Seriously.Exhausting. This job is stretching me. I meannn... in a good way. Today, I used some basic html to format an e-mail. ...And I never thought I'd use ANY coding knowledge from that old "Interactive Media I" class! Haa... I'm sure my teachers would all get a good kick out of how much knowledge I'm actually using from their classes. "I told you so." Yeah yeah... haha.

Despite how life is flying... and I have so much to look forward to... I'll be honest. I'm kinda tired. Just in general. Of the routine. As a freshman in the "real world," I'm beginning to really miss those trusty breaks we always had as students. I've really only had off Labor Day, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, and New Years Day so far... Just those 4 days since I started working 8 months ago. Not to whine or anything. I'm just getting antsy for my trips coming up. They're a ways off, in June and July, but still... it will be so nice to have several days off in a row. It's fine. Part of being an "adult," right? Riiiiight.

Ok. It's 11 pm and I am exhausted. Another sign that I am no longer the stay-up-till-2am-every-night girl I used to be! (The weekends are a different story... ha.) But really... I'm learning that it pays to take care of yourself. You know... eat healthy, workout, actually get 8 hours of sleep a night. Brilliant, huh? It only took me 23 years!

Ok. Gooooodnight.

Resurrection of the blog.

2010-02-11T13:12:00.016-06:00

Kiiiiinda hard to believe I haven't written in this thing since last year! Apparently, people still read this? I'm shocked. Thanks. :) Not making any promises... But I'll try to be better about updating!

So, life! I guess I should give a brief rundown... starting with where I left off?

Bachman January Birthdays! First came mine and my Dad's - Jan. 8! Jack and I went out to dinner at this place called Boogaloo, where we sat on actual SWINGS at the bar. I'm serious. SO awesome. Then Jack was like, "So heeey, let's go to McGurks now!" (McGurks is one of my favorite places in STL! A wooonderful Irish pub in Soulard.) Naturally, I was all about this. And a little bit oblivious. When we walked in the front door of McGurks, I looked up to see my roommate's mom. Weird coincidence, right? And then, there was my little brother, James. And then... my whole family? And like ALL of my/Jack's St. Louis friends?? Surprise party at an Irish Pub! Best Birthday ever!

Then, the following weekend, my dear Taylor/Ireland friends met up in STL for a little reunion. All sorts of fun. :) It's a blessing to have friends in so many different parts of the country who still love each other and keep in touch. LOVE these girls.

And now? Sheesh, it's ALREADY mid-February! Time flies when you're having fun, huh?

A Farewell note.

2009-12-31T10:18:00.008-06:00

Dear 2009,

What a year you've been! Perhaps, the fullest year of my life... ever. Up's and down's, but I expected nothing less!

Off-the-cuff recap.

January: Dad diagnosed with lymphoma. Spent my last J-term in the arctic tundra that is Upland, Indiana.
February: Can't remember anything significant. Nooope... not one thing.
March: Spring Break in Ireland.
April: Passed my Senior portfolio! Aaaand Dad is cancer-free!
May: Graduate college! Move back to STL.
June: Weddings, working at a kid's day camp, Job-hunting, grad-school-applying and acceptance, general confusion about the direction of my life.
July: Fam vacation. Ditched the grad-school idea, and within a week, started my first real-life job with a salary and benefits and other such grown-up things.
August: Met Jack. Haaaay.
September: Fulfilled lifelong dream of seeing U2 in concert. Dad got laid-off.
October: Moved into new house and started dating "officially." (All in the same weekend, haaaay.) Also, TU Homecoming.
November: Peeper Denver weekend trip.
December: Christmas festivities. General month of merriment.

2009 was good to me. Clearly, I love being back in STL and am OH so thankful that when I had no clue what I was doing this summer (like ZERO), God did. Such a sweet lesson in trust. God is good. I have much to be thankful for.

2010, lookin forward to ya!

Love,
B

Aaand now it's Christmastime!

2009-11-29T23:33:00.008-06:00

So, Thanksgiving came and went! Already! I meannn... Obviously, I love Turkey Day, but it doesn't even compare to Christmas. No way. I literally get giddy with excitement when I think of all that December holds. This time of year is absolutely the BEST! Don't get me started!

At church this morning, we sang O Come, O Come Emmanuel. Our worship leader challenged us to really think through the words as we sang them. I didn't get much past the word "Emmanuel." I remembered from some vague, distant memory - probably from an old Sunday School lesson or song lyric - that the word means "God with us." We throw that thought around a lot, but as I was focusing on it this morning, it really hit me. Emmanuel... God with me... present... here for me... always. How revolutionary and encouraging and comforting is that?! You're probably thinking, yeahhh, oook, Blake... That's like the most basic truth. And it is. But you can't help when things hit you in a new way!

Praise God he's with us always. Seriously. And praise God for Christmastime!

Colorado in Pics!

2009-11-17T19:49:00.014-06:00

Thumbs up for the mountains! Love them!

Unexpected beauty.

Lonely Pine.

Jules.

Dace.

Secret Confession.

2009-11-02T14:42:00.006-06:00

100.3 FM is playing all Christmas music right now.

There once was a time when I had strong convictions. No Christmas music until the night of Thanksgiving. (Respect the Turkey Day, right??)

Alas.

I was halfway to work this morning when I broke down. My convictions and I were having a fight. In a moment of weakness, I flipped on 100.3. They were playing Sleigh Ride. And that was all it took...

Mi Casa!

2009-10-26T17:09:00.010-05:00

So, I promised some pictures of my new humble abode... Heeere they are!

The lovely outside.

The Dining Room.

The Living Room.

My very own bedroom (first time ever in my life!).

And finally, the girls that live there! Love them!

Quick Update.

2009-10-14T11:58:00.007-05:00

Oh heyyy, blog world! It's been awhile! My bad...

Well. It's fall! I don't know about where you guys are, but in STL, it doesn't really feel like it. This cold, rainy weather is not very conducive to bonfires or anything else fall-ish, for that matter. I hope it shapes up soon. It makes me miss Taylor falls, because they always seemed so perfect and wonderful. Thank goodness I'll be heading up there in 3 DAYS!! What up, Homecoming?! Really looking forward to that, OBViously.

So... a lot of updates... not sure where to begin!

1. I moved into a house with some friends in Maplewood. The house is wonderful (I'll post pics later, for sure!) and so are the girls. I absolutely LOVE it. It was nice being home (at my parents' house) for the summer, but I had really been missing the space and freedom and the living with friends thing. This just worked out so perfectly... and the move felt so seamless and natural. Like BOOM! Instant home. It's only 12 minutes from my parents' house and 8 minutes from work! And like 15 from the city!
2. I maaaaay be dating. (And by that, I mean... I am!) It's still new-ish, but going really well. So yeah! But I'm not going to blog about it... haha. Just felt it was update-worthy.
3. I went to Farm Aid and saw some great performances by Dave Matthews/Tim Reynolds, Wilco, John Mellencamp, Willie Nelson, and lots more. And I also saw Ben Folds at the Pageant, which was like a dream come true. I love good music!
4. The Cardinals choked. I'm still getting over this reality. It will probably take awhile longer, to be honest. I mean... it is what it is. It just feels wrong that we let go of it so soon.
5. I bought a plane ticket to Denver to visit two dear 1NE friends the first weekend in November. Excited beyond belief. Absolutely stoked. I love having the freedom to go... to buy my own ticket and take off work and just go!

Well... I'm sure there is more to update you on. But that's good enough for now. I've missed blogging. I've just been busy. Hopefully I'll be better as I get more into the groove of... life? Haha...

U2.

2009-09-16T22:00:00.010-05:00

I went to the U2 concert at Soldier Field last Sunday...

Words cannot even begin to express my emotions. It was an absolute dream come true.

Oh, Bono.

This was James' first legit concert. (He chose well... haha.)

The screen split apart for this song. And spun around. Casually.

After it was over, we spent about an hour trying to find Paul in the midst of 100,000ish people. (He drove in from Taylor and had a floor ticket, so we never saw him... until the very end!)

Claiming it.

2009-09-03T21:42:00.002-05:00

"For you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 63:7-8

Transition.

2009-08-31T21:27:00.004-05:00

This weekend was just what I needed: a chill First North reunion in Indy. We talked and laughed and ate bagels and wore sweat pants all day and took a long walk on the Monon trail and watched a cheesy movie and reminisced and loved our lives. It was absolutely and completely perfect... a beautiful reminder of the friendships I've been blessed with these past four years.

Today has been weird. It's just the realization that I'm graduated and not going back for another year. Not bad at all... good and healthy... but just weird, you know? As of this weekend, my brother is moved in and doing crazy college shenanigans, no doubt. And I'm working 40 hours a week and being responsible?! I'll get over it eventually. It's just that this is my favorite part of Taylor... the fall and the beginning and the newness and excitement! (Ok, yeah... I miss it a little.)

But something good! It's fall..ish here, too! I walked outside tonight and had to run back in for a JACKET! YES PLEASE! Tomorrow is the first day of Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks. So OBVIOUSLY, I will be getting one on the way to work. :)

Please pray.

2009-08-24T20:02:00.005-05:00

Monsanto laid off 900 employees this morning and my dad was one of them. I don't really know what to say other than please pray he finds another job soon? Obviously, this puts our fam in a really rough spot... and my dad has had a hell of a year, with the cancer and whatnot. I feel so bad for him.

I'm trying to not be mad, but the truth is, I kind of am.

Of late.

2009-08-21T20:05:00.006-05:00

I'm in love with every aspect of this evening's weather: cool and breezy and calm. I just got back from a long walk by myself. (I love walks by myself.) When I'm alone, I notice... the kids playing baseball in the side yard next to me, the cute white christmas lights strung across the fence, the intoxicating whiff of honeysuckle... all the "feel good" sights and smells and feels. We live on a beautiful street.

Ok, I must confess... I am absolutely obsessed with the house at the end of our street. (In the most non-creepy way possible, of course.) It's red brick with a green door and purple shutters. (I love shutters.) They have a dalmation, a white picket fence, and a brilliant, colorful garden - pinks and yellows and purples. It's the perfect blend of classy and cute. But tonight, as I rounded the corner, I heard banjos playing. Banjos! Trying not to look too creepy, I stole a glance. A father and son (I presume) were playing little tunes back and forth. I fell in love a little. And of course, my favorite part of the whole house was above them... two cute lawn chairs perched on top of the flat porch roof, perfect for star gazing... perfect for life!

I know it's Friday night, but I purposely decided to chill. I needed to. The fam has all gone in their different directions... so I took a walk and now I'm blogging?? And soon, I intend to either read or scrapbook or watch a movie. (It's more than ok... I'm quite secure in this evening's lameness.)

Lately, I've been falling into a routine. Routines are tricky things... if I don't have enough structure, I'm a mess, but if I have too much, I get all restless. Thankfully, I've been feeling somewhat balanced lately. But I'm tired. I've never actually had 40 hour work weeks before! It takes a lot out of you.

But I'm doing well. There's a certain satisfaction in finishing a busy work day and in making it to the weekend. And I've loved reconnecting with high school/church/childhood friends. Since I'm not going back to Taylor this fall, like I have for the past four years, I feel like I can really live my life as a St. Louisan again... which is kind of nice. Lots of concerts and Cards games and parties and whatnot. It's just nice to be in one spot. I mean, soon, I know the nostalgia will come as school starts back up. (Taylor falls are my favorite.)

But such is life, eh? It goes on. And thank goodness.

Alice in Wonderland.

2009-08-12T10:34:00.016-05:00

Yesterday, I stopped by the Galleria on the way home from work to pick up facewash. I had been inside the store for about 30 seconds when this employee rushes up to me and goes, "OH. MY. GODDDD." I look up to see a flamboyant gay man with his hands on his hips and jaw dropped.

I smile and say, "Heyy..."

He says, "Girl. You look look like Alice in Wonderland!"

(At this point, I am trying SO hard not to laugh.)

"Oh... thanks!"

He shakes his head and flails his arms, "NO, NO! In a GOOD way. That dress is magical... Sweet and innocent and feminine." Then he lowers his voice and whispers, "But secretly naughty!"

I BUSTED out laughing, then tried to control myself as he told me I "haaaaad" to try their new moisturizer. He stuffed trial sized samples into my bag and referred to me as "girrrrrlfriend" about six times while I was checking out. Then told me to have an "amaaazzing dayyyy!"

I left the store swinging my bag of facewash and moisturizer samples... laughing at the past 3 minutes of my life. A mall cop gave me a funny look... I was by myself, afterall. But, ohhh man. What a GREAT way to end the work day.

Perspective.

2009-08-10T22:24:00.009-05:00

Sometimes I'm such an idiot that it makes me laugh.

Today was Monday. (Strike one.) I had a bad attitude. (Strike two.) I... could keep going. But I will spare you. It just wasn't the greatest of days... right down to the moment I was pulling out of work (where you can never really see either way, due to rush hour traffic and parked cars) and an SUV came out of no where and LAID on the horn... a few unnecessary seconds longer than a normal honk, if you ask me. I swore. I was annoyed and hot and flustered and tired.

While driving home, brow still furrowed, I pulled into Tilles Park. (It was a complete whim; I never go to Tilles Park.) My arms just turned the steering wheel and suddenly, I was in the park, in search of the swings. (Naturally... because when you are mad at the world, there is nothing like a good, liberating swing with the wind in your face.)

I found the swings, but there were children. On every single swing. I muttered "dammit" under my breath. Then stopped. They were children... bright, happy, shiny, beautiful, innocent children enjoying the swings... that are technically for them anyway, I guess. I was all in a huff about who-knows-what. Unimportant things. I took a deep breath, and without warning, started laughing at my pathetic self. It was weird. I decided to loop around the park and calm down.

I took in the lush greenery and bright blue sky above me and the sun that pierced through the clouds... and all of the people, young and old, enjoying life. It was all so startlingly fresh and good. And in that moment, I was thankful. And then I was ok.

When I struggle, I'm usually forgetful. I forget how blessed I am. I forget how OK I am. I forget that even though this season of life is new and hard..ish... that I will be ok. Beginnings are hard, but we make it through. It only takes a glance around or a glance behind to see where God's brought me from. He's faithful. I am and will be ok.

Come downstairs and say hello.

2009-08-07T22:27:00.013-05:00

Sometimes songs get to me. They move me in a way I can't put my finger on, except that as the words and melody roll around in my head, I just know it's important.

Last Friday night, I saw Guster live under the glorious St. Louis arch. For free. With great friends. On a beautiful summer evening. I wondered if life could get any better... then they played my favorite song! (This obviously does not do it justice...)

MAN, I love them! So much.

Lots of stuff going on in my head/heart this week. More to come after a bit of processing. :)

First day...

2009-07-29T22:53:00.012-05:00

I opened the door this morning to find I was the first one in the office... with no passwords or keys. I knew they would come along eventually, so I just plopped myself down in my new swivel chair at my new desk. I basked in the moment... being the first to anything is an entirely new concept to me. And then the door creaked opened. It was Billy, an old African American maintenance man with kind eyes. He was super nice, but I think I scared him. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was sitting in the dark. Alone. At 8.32 am. Poor Billy, haha... A strange, but funny start to my first day.

Today was basically an orientation day. Kind of... I learned how to answer the phone and transfer calls... (definitely do not have it down yet... but I WILL get it!). I learned how the security system works. I got a tour of the building. I called the DC office and got some passwords to facebook and twitter accounts... I created a sign-up form. I filled out my W-2 form... (for the first time ever, not being exempt from everything). I set up my desk and organized things a bit. To be honest, I spent most of my time going through old Collegians Director files... just investigating. I think it's how I learn the best... just figuring things out in my own way in my own time. And it's more fun!

It was kind of an exhausting day, ironically, because I think my biggest accomplishment was figuring out how to turn off the AC unit behind my desk. It revolutionized my life and made me feel like an idiot at the same time.

I can't wait to put up some pictures on my wall tomorrow. It's so minor, but it will make my little nook more homey. And hopefully, it will make me feel better about this sudden grown-up-ness. When I glance up, I will remember the days of my youth... when I studied abroad in Ireland and had no cares in the world... and when I was in college and didn't have to worry about taxes and health insurance. (Speaking of which, I spent OVER an hour tonight meeting with a health insurance guy who helped me pick out a plan... I was soooo thankful my parents met with me. AHH.)

The first job is such a big deal, isn't it? It's all people talk about their last semester of college and their summer, post-college. It's true, in the most irritating way. But now that I have it, now that I've got the first day under my belt... I'm feeling this resistance in my heart. It's not that I don't want it... it's just that I feel like childhood is slipping away... in a way. That's a bit melodramatic, but this is so new and weird. You mean I get a SALARY?? I get BENEFITS?? SICK DAYS?? VACATION??! MEMOS?! I'm beginning to get the way I often get when I'm stressed or tired or attempting to resist the whole growing up thing... Symptom 1: sudden cravings for old-school animated Disney movies. Symptom 2: eyes glaze over.

AHH. But ok! BRIGHT SIDE: At least I get to start work in the middle of the week... which means I only have two more days till the weekend!! And this weekend, I'm headed up to Indiana for a wedding reception/party and some qua-li-ty Taylor friend time in Indy. That will help with this growing-up-itis crap. I hope.

Why am I such a baby? Sigh.

Update.

2009-07-27T14:24:00.005-05:00

So... I finally HAVE A JOB! (A legit one!!)

I'll be working at a political organization (does God have a sense of humor?) in downtown Clayton as their "Collegians Director." This basically means I'll be communicating with high school and college students (mostly via social networking - facebook, twitter, blogging, etc - updating them and interacting with them), planning a conference in DC (!), designing, writing, editing, and other random things like answering the phone, editing video, duplicating cds, etc. This also means I am soon-to-be (thankfully) health-insured and making money. And actually using that comm. degree! Wooo!

It's happened oh-so-fast, as I just went in for the interview last Wednesday! I start in two days. So goodbye, summer and unemployment and sleeping in. Hello, salary and early mornings (COFFEE) and high heels. Yikesabee!

Seriously.

2009-07-23T23:38:00.004-05:00

So, I really want to do this at my wedding...

Big week.

2009-07-21T10:37:00.010-05:00

This week has been kind of a big one as far as decisions/productivity/developing some serious faith. It feels like it should be at least Thursday...

Yesterday, I decided that Mars Hill for this fall is a no-go. I kept clinging to these little threads of hope... but I finally had to just acknowledge that it's not possible right now. It was hard, but probably the "best" decision, as much as I hate to say it. I kept wrestling with finding the balance between making the "wise" decision and taking the proverbial "leap." I know that most decisions in life, we aren't sure about. We aren't supposed to be. So that part of me wonders if I should have just jumped and gone for it. But then I think about all the reasons I said no, and all the uncertainty I/others felt, and it makes more sense. I just wish I knew sometimes what God was "calling" me to do... really clearly and specifically. I kept thinking he was calling me to Mars Hill... and maybe he was. And maybe he is/will. But I don't know. Will I ever know? I'm really trying to listen... trying to be open... It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I don't think I'm doing so great.

After I reluctantly sent in my letter of intent to Mars Hill, I spent the rest of the day job hunting. I applied for a few jobs and followed up with a few people. I ended up scheduling an interview for today and tomorrow! However, today's interview seemed really sketch... They found my resume on Monster.com and I just got a weird vibe from them. I got up early this morning and researched the company a bit... they're an insurance company that doesn't pay a salary or give benefits... it's 100% commission. I guess I could have gone to "get the experience" of the interview for the heck of it... but decided to spend my time wisely. So I called and canceled and came to Starbucks for "Free Pastry Morning" instead. (A much better use of my time, right?) Don't worry... I have another interview tomorrow that I promise I will go to. :) (Sidenote... at some time in my life... I don't know when... I WILL be a barista. I have to.)

But Hilton Head was great! Good, sweet family time. A nice mix between laughing and relaxing... and forgetting all job-related things for a week. Heaven?

A delightful little coffee shop on the island.

An appropriate read for the beach. Great book with incredible truth.

Sunrise walk on the last day.

Beautiful weekend.

2009-07-06T21:28:00.012-05:00

I'm more reminded than ever of God's presence... and goodness.

I had some quality time alone on the way up to Chicago and Michigan, and then on the way home. Much of this time was spent shamelessly singing/dancing to Girl Talk... and some of it was spent in silence. I turned off the music a few times and just kind of basked in it. And then I prayed aloud. I was alone and free to be honest... and there was a long road ahead of me. When I finished praying, I just felt so full. I cannot explain it except that I felt this tremendous sense of OK-ness. Peace.

The job interview went well, and I liked the organization, but I don't think it's for me. The 3-5 year commitment really got to me; I don't think I can do it. And I didn't feel at peace. So... I don't think I'm going to continue in the interview process (there would be 4 more interviews IN Chicago!).

The time spent with friends was beautiful and full of joy. Multiple coffee/breakfast/lunch/dinner dates with Taylor folk in Wheaton. (I was in heaven.) And the wedding was just... wonderful. From our lunch at B-DUBS beforehand (where girly squealing ensued as we ran to embrace after a month and a half of being apart) to the hilarious dancing at the wedding, and lingering in the parking lot for over an hour after the reception, just because we didn't want to say goodbye yet... it was a sweet time.

The face we make when there is no more Blue Moon to be had.

Awkward picture that kind of failed... but still brings joy to my heart.

Risk.

2009-06-29T18:41:00.010-05:00

So... I got accepted to Mars Hill!!! As this is now more of a legit option (than when I was just mulling the thought around), I've gotten to thinking quite a bit. And reading. And praying.

I've started meeting with a dear friend, Mary Jo, for coffee and book discussion (Dan Allender's To Be Told). She has 65 years of life under her belt. She's wise and honest and real. And I love it. We discussed the first chapter today.

In addition to learning about what it means to engage in my story and to discover connecting patterns and themes, we discussed tension and tragedy. Allender writes, "Comfort is the absence of tension; growth requires a swim in murky, dangerous waters. We want adventure, but not without assurances that we will suffer no harm when we take risks... But life isn't like that. There are no safe risks. There is no growth that comes with a guarantee of success. Tension is the medium in which we breathe everyday."

Right now, I feel like there's this crazy tug-of-war going on in my mind and heart. My mind is practical and can be resort to being ok with comfort and safeness. But my heart craves adventure and risk and challenge and the unknown. And in addition, I'm trying to remember that there is more to big decisions than just a list of pros and cons... I might need to look a little more at the big picture and overarching "themes" of my life, too. As Allender says, "A merely good life reveals little beyond the fact that goodness exists, but a life that knows its plot, characters, setting, dialogue, and themes will possess a clear and abiding passion that reveals something unique about the Author."

I keep hearing about risk. The ENTIRE sermon last Sunday was about risk-taking. I'm trying to be open to what God wants... I've put my listening ears on. And in the midst of this "tension," I'm trying to set aside time to quiet my heart. I sat out on our back porch this morning to read and drink my coffee and to watch the leaves wiggle in the breeze. It was so needed.

In addition to finding out about MHGS, I found out today that I have my first job interview! (It's shaping up to be quite a week.) It's in Chicago this Thursday. The organization asks for a 3-5 year commitment.

So, hellooo, risk! I think we will be getting to know each other very well very soon.

Lately.

2009-06-26T20:50:00.013-05:00

I've started five books in the past couple weeks. (Sometimes, I do this, and I have no idea why. It doesn't work very well...) But regardless, I am reading for fun now... and I just sort of wonder if there's anything better?

Summer is in full swing. (Mostly, I just mean that it is HOT. St. Louis humidity is in my top list of things I hatehateHATE, right along with stuff like traffic, powdered coffee creamer, and arrogance.) Anyway. Despite the heat, and the fact that it is summer, it does not feel like summer yet. And you know, it probably won't, no matter how hot it gets or how many iced coffees I drink. I think I just need to accept it and embrace it for what it is, not what it's not... and then, hope for something wonderfully surprising to come along. Hope is important.

This past week has been busy. I spent the days working at Eagle Lodge (for those of you who don't know - a sweet day camp for inner-city kids) and then, it seemed I had something every night, too. All good things... a bachelorette party (haha), a delightful concert, coffees and barbecues with friends... AND I had my phone interview with Mars Hill. It went pretty well, I think. I just love the honesty and grace that oozes from everyone I've talked with there. But right now, I'm just so unsure and confused about this "next step." And Mars Hill is a BIG step... a 2000(ish) mile step. Regardless. God's got it. I know that now and I'm trusting that whatever I'm supposed to do will fall into place... not meaning that I sit back and do nothing, but that I stop worrying. Worrying is counterproductive to living. It sucks the joy from life. And really, let's be honest. Life is not bad. I'm 22, only a month into post-grad life. I'm living at home with a family who loves each other, in a great city, near good friends. Not too bad. I'm so shortsighted sometimes.

Ok. I'm going to read one of those books now, because nothing is going on tonight and I love it. I've decided to embrace the quiet and mellow tonight. Yeah.. it sounds kind of nice, doesn't it?

Homesick.

2009-06-23T20:10:00.013-05:00

Lately, I've been missing my friends. It comes and goes - waves of homesickness. I'm homesick for their laughs, their encouragement, their brilliance, their presence. (I'm in a sappy mood. Be warned.) They have kept me sane on so many occasions when I was sure I'd lose it. But now we're all far away... and we're not coming back together for another round of college life in August.

(You know how things like this hit people at different times? Well, this kind of just hit me.. tonight.)

But even with the distance, I am blessed by my friends. Ridiculously blessed. They care, pray, write notes, send e-mails, and make mixes of beautiful music. It's not the same as living near each other - sharing a cup of coffee or laughing until our sides ache, or going out at 2 am to lie on our backs and stare at the stars - but it reminds me of the blessings God has poured over me. We're in different places, doing different things, but we have a bond that distance and time cannot break. It sounds desperately cheesy, I know! But it's true. And it makes me a bit weepy.

I have shoeboxes bursting with pictures and handwritten notes from over the years. I look back at them every now and then. Like tonight.

I will never throw them away.

Well, shoot.

2009-06-14T19:10:00.008-05:00

In the midst of applying to grad school, accepting a part-time job, applying to real jobs, and after several heart-to-heart conversations, I've realized that I don't know what I want to do with my life afterall.

I mean, it's not like I'm back to square one. But... kind of.

These past couple weeks, I've considered professions from teaching to counseling. Who am I? No, really... I'm wrestling with this. And I never really expected to.

I've always loved writing. And I loved Media Communication so much that I never dreamed of switching majors. It just always felt right to me. And it still does - I don't regret it. But the blessing and the curse is that it's so broad and can be applied to so much. And right now, I just don't know. I feel lost and hopeful at the same time.

One thing I do know: this in-between time is teaching me patience. Lots and lots of patience. And trust. I've never felt so clueless in my life.

Nothing of real substance... really.

2009-06-09T20:37:00.007-05:00

I've come to realize in my recent vagabond-esque lifestyle (coffee shop to coffee shop) that not all coffee shops are created equal. No, no, my friends. They each have distinct flavor, even Starbucks. For instance, if I can avoid it, I won't step foot in the Kirkwood Starbucks. There's this creepy barista who is bitter and cynical and hates life. He's been there for as long as I can remember... maybe since high school?? It would be fine if he was a nice, decent person, who thanked you for stopping by and hoped you had a great rest of your day. But he's a jerk. And he lurks. And he is always there.

And then there are the string of Manchester Starbucks. I'm trying to get used to the one at Manchester and McKnight... but it's inside a huge shopping mall center.. thing... and it's just not homey, you know? It's usually warm inside. The internet isn't consistent. Also, they forgot my latte yesterday... Fine. But then the drink tasted funny and what's worse, there was no "oh, we're sorry we forgot you, here's a free drink on us" coupon. Blast. (I think I'm mostly bitter because they took out my ALL-TIME FAVORITE one in Webster. Damn you, Corporate.)

(This is what happens when you're unemployed and you have time to criticise coffee shop ambiances.) All I have to say is thank God for Kaldi's.

Lately, in the midst of uncertainty and mess and general disorder, I've noticed my intense craving for a creative outlet of some sort... of any sort. If I'm not writing or reading or creating or re-organizing something, I go crazy. I never noticed this much at school because at school, I was always, always busy. But now? I go to coffee shops. And shuttle around siblings. And look for employment.

I'm trying to figure out how to enjoy this time in my life. I mean afterall, it's RELIEVING to know that I am done with undergraduate work FOREVER. (That means, among other things, NO MORE SPANISH. NO MORE COM. SEM. CLASSES. NO MORE MATH OR SCIENCE. EVER! It's more relieving than I can express in mere words.) And plus! One could argue that this is an exciting time in life... anything can happen, right? That's where I get that mixed excited/nervous feeling. I think I'm just ready for that next thing to happen.

But I do have great things to look forward to this summer. I do. There are weddings and reunions... a family vacation and U2 concert. Exciting things.

And! This is coming out soon...

Doesn't that look wonderful? Yay. :)

Alright. Battery dying... Peace.

Could you kindly point me in the direction of this "next step"? Ok, thanks.

2009-06-01T20:13:00.015-05:00

I tend to make music mixes... often. Regardless of my emotional state, music makes me feel alive. "It'sabeautifulday,whydon'twerollthewindowsdown?" mixes and "ijustgraduatedcollegeandamfeelingsofreakingdepressed" mixes... I have what you might call an overabundance of playlists and folders in my itunes for very specific emotions or people. It's sick. Perhaps it's time for a little spring cleaning.

Anyway. Lately, I've been listening to some rather melancholy tune-age, kind of bordering on inspiring and bittersweet... if you know what I mean. I guess I'm just missing people and places and things and lifethewayitusedtobe. The music helps. Something new and sweet and beautiful will come along eventually, right? (I hope?) In the meantime, I've been escaping to coffee shops... daily. The solitude helps. So does the coffee.

This job search thing is harder than I anticipated. I've been looking all semester, but after being home for a week, I'm discovering what patience really means. (It sucks.) And now I'm applying for grad school?? I must be crazy. But I can't get Mars Hill out of my head. I know I don't have the money, but I've just decided to apply and see what happens. I talked to the Admissions Director on the phone today. When she asked where I was from again, I responded, "St. Louis." She coughed a little and said "Oh my gosh, that's so weird..." She was drinking coffee from a St. Louis mug with a little picture of the arch on it. She said she never used that mug. (Cue creepy sound effect.) Probably a total coincidence, right? Right. But it was enough to make me secretly hope it was God. If I go to Mars Hill, it will be ALL because of God. It's so doubtful, and I'm trying not to get any hopes up... at all... but if I don't apply, I'll never know. Worst case scenerio, I lose $50.

It's hard to be in this in-between stage of life. I am beyond Taylor. I miss it, but I know it's right and good and healthy to not be there anymore... to take the proverbial "next step." But I can't seem to find the stupid step. So I'm standing on one foot, wobbling as I squint (through the darkness, of course)... there are possible steps, but none are close enough or solid enough to step down on. So I'm in this strange sort of limbo... living at home, applying to places, waiting to hear, following up, maintaining my sanity, applying for grad school in SEATTLE (??).

I have to keep reminding myself I'm only a week into post-grad life. It seems like so much longer than 7 days...

Well...

2009-05-28T16:46:00.005-05:00

I graduated! From college!

It was a fun/crazy weekend... And now I'm home, trying to sort out how I feel. Kaldi's has become my new "office." Not that I had an office before... but I guess since I'm now a college grad (and unemployed) it works. Also, this is my 6th time coming here in a 5-day period. Yeah.

I guess the biggest thing I've been learning lately is to give my mind to God. It's been a bit of a recurring theme, you might say, so I figured I should do it... Because afterall, I'm tired. And feel emotionally... cramped? And don't know where "home" is. And have no job. My mind needs rest and renewal. Badly. Worrying about finding a job won't help find the job. So, this morning, I gave it up to God completely. I know he'll open and close doors (maybe not in my timing, but he will).

It's just weird, you know? I've always had my life "planned out" one step ahead of me. But now, all I can do is apply places and follow up and wait patiently. And try to figure out where to put all my clothes... and coffee maker and books and mini fridge and lamps and futon and tv... Hmmm.

Love note.

2009-05-21T15:09:00.008-05:00

Dear college,
I. am. done. Officially. Just hanging around for packing and festivities (and goodbyes? whaaat??) and the big bad ceremony itself. It's a little bittersweet. And weird. And surreal. But mostly, it is deliciously wonderful. I'm FREE! (Kind of...)
Ok. Actually, I don't know how I feel.
Love,
Blake

Last Week...

2009-05-17T16:03:00.007-05:00

Life's been a bit of a whirlwind of late.

Last week, Paul came back from Ireland and spent a week on campus. It. was. wonderful.

Last week was also the Media Banquet... which means I am officially done with my portfolio and with our senior capstone class... PRAISE THE LORD!!!

At the end of the week, my mom came up to get Paul and to move out most of my stuff... always the most depressing part of the year. I hate bare walls and empty shelves, but it will make next week infinitely easier.

And now? I have finals... 2 of them, basically... and I am done. But not just done until next fall... done with undergraduate studies. Forever. Yeah, that probably won't sink in for awhile.

There are all these little "lasts." The last chapel... the last class... I've pushed all of it aside until this morning, when I went to my last Exit 59 church service.

I freaking love that church. I've been going since freshman year - with different groups of people through the years, and every now and then, by myself. But regardless, I've always known I can go there on Sunday mornings and be filled. Few things have been more influential in my spiritual life than this church. I have several journals full of scribbled notes and insights. I leave every week encouraged and challenged and thankful for the body of Christ. So, this morning, when I realized today was my last Sunday, I felt the tears well up... inconveniently, in the middle of a worship song. It's just hard to find a place I can resonate with so deeply... a place where I know without a doubt that I belong... a place full of broken and honest and loving people. Exit 59 is sacred ground for me. It was rough letting go this morning as I drove away.

I know this week is going to go by fast, so I'm trying to savor. Ohhh, life.

One of those days...

2009-05-13T15:42:00.005-05:00

While I'm feeling very much ready to leave and move on with life, there's this part of me that gets tripped up every once and awhile... slightly freaked out. And then I remember to breathe and I'm ok. But for those brief moments, I revert to my childhood. Yesterday, I curled up in a blanket and watched Peter Pan on VHS. By myself. Neverland never looked so good...

I need a fricking job.

Hmm..

2009-05-06T21:53:00.006-05:00

Hypothetical question: Is it bad that when I see an individual on campus wearing a Cubs hat, my gut instinct is to grab it, run away, and burn it?

(It's not hypothetical. This has happened... a few times.)

Next step.

2009-05-02T15:58:00.007-05:00

It's funny that I have no idea what I'm doing next with my life, not even summer plans, and yet I'm kind of ready to take the next step. If you had asked me last semester, I'd have been sad... perhaps, a bit dramatic. But now, I just know that I'll be ok. And I know that college is only for a season. I can't stretch it out forever... and I wouldn't want to! I have a whole life to live. And honestly, that makes me a little bit giddy. I'm ready for something new. It would be easier to have peace with leaving if I actually had a job secured... but I guess life doesn't always take the most direct route. So, I'm learning to be ok, regardless. (Except I'm NOT ready to leave my wonderful friends. But I'm... not thinking about that part yet. Ok, moving on!)

These past few weeks have been absolutely insane. I've been drained in every way possible. And I felt a little like this slug...

But now, my portfolio final draft has been turned in... and is being graded... so we'll see. And some other bigger assignments/projects/presentations are over. So, PRAISE GOD for that. I can breathe a little easier now. (Ok, not really... but it's nice to have those things over. There's just always something else...)

A quick overview of my next few weeks:
Next week: Just... keep doing my thing. Projects and job hunting.
The week after next week: PAUL COMES BACK! MAYHEM! Senior Media Banquet. Study for finals, whaaat? Move out of the apartment... partially.
The week after the week after next week: Finals week and GRADUATION (May 23)!!!

Ahh. It's wrapping up quickly. Please pray I get some semblance of a job? For at least the summer? Ok, thanks. :)

The past 30 days...

2009-04-20T18:10:00.013-05:00

The past month has been very... full. A feeble attempt at a recap:

Spring Break in Ireland was beautiful and wonderful and fun and needed. It did my heart a lot of good to spend time with my brother. And it was glorious being back. I don't think I can find a way around the dreaded cliche... honestly, it was like coming home. It was obviously different than the experience I had two years ago, but not in a bad way. Many times, while at the grocery store or riding the DART, a specific memory from 2 years ago would hit me, but it was more of a "hmm, those were good times" kind of memory. As I was walking around Greystones and down by the rocks, it felt so natural - like I hadn't left. It was the strangest (but best) feeling. Inexplainable. On my first day, I grabbed coffee and snuck down to the rocks. "My ritual." I snuggled inside my blue North Face raincoat and breathed in deeply. I literally just sat there, nestled inside a crooked nook, and watched the water slap up against the rocks. And I felt so ALIVE. Beauty does that to you...

Though it was sad to leave, I rather enjoyed the journey back. I love traveling with people, but I get such a kick out of traveling alone. While waiting at the Dublin airport for my plane, I scrounged up enough euro for coffee, then pulled out my little notebook and started writing... about leaving... about loving... about the ecclectic people around me... Airports are wonderful. So many hello's and goodbye's... a revolving door of emotion and adventure. Once I actually boarded the plane, I discovered I had a window seat. (Yessss.) A few minutes later, Thomas, a 23-year-old Canadian, moseyed up. He made a funny joke about us being plane buddies. I introduced myself. And then we were friends. We chattered about Ireland and jobs and risks and bad plane food. And then we landed in America. I'll probably never see him again, but how fun and thrilling is that? To meet total strangers and get to know little facets of their lives... and then part ways.

So now I'm back in the less adventurous realm of academia. And can I just say that job hunting while in school is by far the most tiring, tedious, stressful undertaking? Because it is. I'm "actively pursuing" jobs... and trying to calm my heart at the same time. Patience, Blake. Patience.

Easter was utterly glorious. It was one of those just REALLY GOOD weekends at home. I hadn't been home since Christmas, so it was extra good. (Below - fam shot, minus mom the photographer, and paul the brother abroad. And yes, James is now taller than me. Officially.)

And now I'm just in this whirlwind of school work and job hunting and impending goodbyes. I graduate in 33 days... which I could choose to be stressed about, since I have nothing lined up... but that wouldn't help anything, right? Right. We just turned in our rough drafts of our portfolios for my Senior Capstone class today... final copy due next week. Baby steps.

One more thing! A BIG THING. MY DAD IS CANCER FREE!!!! PRAISE GOD. He just had a Pet scan (?) last week that determined this... he'll have 2 more rounds of chemo and then be done, while they moniter him for every few months for 5 years (I think?). Anyway, this is the most wonderful news, so a most sincere THANK YOU for your prayers. They have been answered.

Ok. Back to the grind.

Well HELLO, SPRING BREAK!

2009-03-20T01:58:00.006-05:00

TODAY is a beautiful day. In about 9 hours, I am leaving for spring break in IRELAND! (Yes, it's 3 am and I am just starting to pack. It would appear everything is right on schedule... :) But I don't even care... because SOON, I will soon be in one of my favorite places in the whole wide world (GREYSTONES!) with one of my favorite people (PAUL!). I am positively giddy. God is so good.

Greystones, I'm a comin! Blog, I'll catch you on the flipside! Love.

Unexpected.

2009-03-16T11:27:00.009-05:00

In my researching of grad schools (for a senior capstone assignment), I have discovered that I really would like to continue my education. There's so much out there to learn! I had never considered it before, but now I like the idea... (Oh, except that I have no money. Shoot.)

Anyway, I have fallen in love with Mars Hill Graduate School... (from what their website portrays, anyway).Everything about it is beautiful. And it's in Seattle. I want to live there. With my friend, Julia, who goes there. It would be perfect!

... Stupid money.

Oh, and I stumbled upon this.

I really, really, really want to go. Hmmm...

Lazy Sunday.

2009-03-08T11:20:00.006-05:00

I'm currently sitting in my living room with my roommate, Kaitlyn - it was just the two of us here this weekend. It's Sunday afternoon and we are in our pajamas, sipping our morning coffee, waking up, and watching "The Runaway Jury."

We both had every intention of getting up at 7:30 and going to church. But somehow, we both didn't hear our alarms that we set the night before (for Daylight Savings Time). So here we sit, after a very restful 11 hours of sleep. I really think that sometimes God works it out so we get rest at an unexpected time.. like hibernation at the point when we need it most, you know?

Also, it's thunderstorming outside our open windows, which is maybe my favorite thing in the whole world. I can already tell this is going to be an unproductive day, but I'm ok with that.

This past week has been full of projects and papers, "perfecting" the resume and cover letter(s), and e-mailing job leads. Spring Break is in less than 2 weeks, which is incredibly exciting and so needed, but I know I need to apply to a bajillion jobs before I take off, because when I get back, it will be almost April... which is kind of scary.

Oh, life.

Update on my Dad: he's coming up on his 3rd chemo treatment on March 12. His bloodwork this past week was "perfect!" according to his doctor, which is such a praise. He also hasn't had any sideaffects (besides his hair) from the chemo. Thank you so much for your prayers... please keep praying.

Words I stumbled upon... and love.

2009-03-01T16:00:00.004-06:00


"Like a snow globe, we are most beautiful when we are shaken."

Ohh life.

2009-02-25T11:18:00.008-06:00

Job hunting is in full swing. I made an appointment with the Career Development office for this afternoon for resume-tweaking help. (on my own accord - not a class assignment!), I've e-mailed friends for leads, I've spent hours searching craig's list and monster.com, and I've signed up for a million "job alerts" in the communication field. As soon as I get some professional advice on my resume this afternoon, HELLO JOB APPLICATIONS.

(It's February 25, and suddenly I'm realizing this. Life is so stinking sneaky. HO-LY COW!)

I was feeling the pressure this morning for many reasons, mainly because everyone and their mom is telling us how bad the economy is and how we need to act quickly and snatch up whatever job we can find. (I'm not kidding. I've heard this from probably four separate people this past week.) But then I opened up my mailbox and saw a letter from home. In it, was a verse that said:

"Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act." (Psalm 37:7)

Thanks, parents, for knowing I needed that reassurance. This economy scares me a lot. It's probably going to be a rough few months, but I'm going to try to be still (but proactive!) and wait patiently. I do believe God's got something great out there for me... I really do. I just have noooo idea what it is or where it is or when I'll find it.

Geeeeeze louise.

Dad Update.

2009-02-17T15:37:00.008-06:00

My dad started his second round of chemo yesterday. Mom says he is still looking and feeling good, but also that he's just recently become bald. Despite the fact that he's had a full head of hair his entire life, he's handling this well, joking that he has "a great head shape." :) Even though I haven't seen any pictures yet, this knowledge kind of hits me hard... it's like a physical acknowledgment that he's fighting cancer, you know? I try not to think about it too much.

Supposedly, the nausea and fatigue get worse with each treatment, but I'm praying that it doesn't...

So, there's a quick update. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers and for asking. I so appreciate it.

(A picture I just found today. It's me and Dad from way back when.) :)

Extending grace.

2009-02-03T16:19:00.013-06:00

Sometimes I get really pissed off. It doesn't take much, either... a headache; a friend who's short with me; a certain campus bookstore that rips me off; being sick; an egotistical boss; a wal-mart that doesn't have any damn single subject, college-ruled notebooks (thus sending me on a wild goose chase for a few simple school supplies)...

Basically, when life doesn't work out, I get annoyed. Aggravated. On edge. It's times like these that I tend to take comments personally when I shouldn't. I tend to close myself off. I tend to stress out when my friends or family are hurting, because I hurt for them and I just want to make it better, but I can't, and then there's all this hurt going around, and it's just too much.

...you know?

Today, all of the above happened. And instead of taking a deep breath, reminding myself that I'm ok, reminding myself that Jesus is in control, I got annoyed. I don't remember consciously making this decision to become annoyed. It just sort of happened. My brow furrowed. My head became more congested. I grew quiet. And I assumed the whole world was out to get me. ...which, of course, it's not. It's just fallen.

This is something I need to work on. I get so pissed when life is not fair, so aggravated at injustice and incompetent people. But if life was fair, I'd be dealing with a whole other set of issues, like unforgiven sin and being eternally damned to hell. Right??

I am so stinking thankful for grace. And because of how grace has changed my life, shouldn't I try to extend that grace to others when they treat me unfairly or poorly? And shouldn't I hand my burdens over to God instead of clinging onto them myself? Yes, I should. But God, help me, that's hard stuff...

Lord, help me extend grace. Let me release my little clenched fingers from grudges and frustration. Let me remove this notion of "fairness" and just love like you do. Amen.

Procrastination.

2009-01-25T23:34:00.007-06:00

Geeze louise, J-term went fast. Two more days of class! Ok, I'm not even going to pretend to act surprised, because I knew it would go fast... it's only 3 weeks. I guess it just went a little faster than I'd hoped it would.

I'm supposed to be reading my book for my extra credit paper right now, but of course, since we all know how great I am at procrastinating... a little blog update.

Unsorted thoughts in no particular order:

1. Contemp is a bad class to take for J-term. I am burnt out.
2. Paul leaves for Ireland in five days. Five. (Super bittersweet...)
3. Speaking of Paul... he, his roommate, and I recently consumed 6-shot venti Starbucks drinks... for fun... with minimal caffeine effects. (Not good? But OH so fun!)

4. C.S. Lewis is THE MAN. I forgot how much I love him.
5. Rach and I redecorated the apartment. It's chic. Stayed tuned for pics?
6. I think it's really funny when people 'advertise' their blogs via facebook status. And it seems like it's been happening frequently... Please slap me on the face if I ever do that!
7. I have found my life calling. Seriously, I'm not kidding. Paul and I worked the latte bar at our church this morning. (Yes, our church has an espresso machine. We don't mess around!) It was our first time working, and I was a little nervous since it had been awhile since we'd been trained. But guys, it was like riding a bicycle. Paul pulled the shots. I steamed the milk. And it was beautiful. The thrill of the controlled chaos behind the counter and of caffeinating the church body made me want to be a barista more than anything. Something just clicked in me... and in Paul, too. We were giddy. I love when service intersects with interests and passions. :)
8. My Dad is doing well. He had his first round of chemo on Friday. My mom said that other than being tired, he's done incredibly well thus far. Thank you for your prayers! Please keep them coming.
9. I was supposed to job hunt over J-term and I haven't done squat. Any thoughts, encouragement, or hook-ups would be appreciated. Ha. I... really need to get on that.
10. Conveniently, at number 10, I'm finally tired. Guess I'm going to bed. (Sorry, extra credit reading.)

Goodnight, friends.

No good, very bad day.

2009-01-14T23:56:00.008-06:00

I'm sure you've had one. The no good, very bad day. You might have read that children's book from long ago. But little Alexander (that's his name, right?) has nothing on this chick. Today sucked.

I mean, it had its good moments. But it was, in general, horrible. The perfect storm. It could have been redeemed, I think, until I spilled tomato soup all down the front of my white hoodie in my Contemporary Christian Belief class (Grille food TO-GO because I was running late... of course). After that, it was pretty much doomed. I will spare you all the intricate "of course that would happen to Blake" details, though I suppose some of them would be entertaining after the fact. (And some of them not... I'm emotionally exhausted and strung out... my heart is tired from caring, hurting, hoping.) Let's just say, I am glad this world is not my home. I know that Jesus said that we will have trials in this world... but to take heart because he has OVERCOME the world... which is comforting to remind myself. But it still sucks.

I'm thankful for the friends he's placed in my life to remind me that it's ok. It is ok, though. It really is. Jesus told us to take heart. Take heart. It sounds slightly more simple, more poetic... a little more beautiful than I feel right now. I'm a freaking trainwreck. But I'm pretty sure that Jesus accepts the trainwrecks... with open arms... which I'm rather thankful for.

Please keep praying for my fam. They need it. I need it.

Good news.

2009-01-13T13:25:00.003-06:00

I've had a lot of thoughts running through my head lately; a lot of blogposts I still think I should share. (Later.) :)

For now, I just want to say a quick thank you for the prayers and Birthday wishes and love. And also, to give you a little update. Ready for some good news? My dad's cancer is supposedly pretty treatable. He's going to go through several rounds of chemo over the next 6 months. The doctors seem confident about it.

This is AWESOME news, but my Dad still needs prayer, so please keep him in yours.

I have to go, but one more thing... I am astounded by the beauty of the body of Christ. Thanks for the part you play in it. I'm convinced God is going to work through this in big ways.

Love,
Blake

And... another update.

2009-01-07T10:18:00.004-06:00

Guys. Thank you so much for your love and prayers for my dad. And for your comments. They help.

His procedure went well yesterday, but the results showed that he does have lymphoma cancer. We don't know what type/stage yet... hopefully we'll know more by the end of this week. I'll keep you posted. Please keep praying.

So... tomorrow's my birthday... and my dad's. I mean, I've spent three birthdays away from home, but this year, in light of all this, it just feels weird not being home. At the same time, I'm kind of.. numb? Life has been so up and down, I don't know what to feel. I guess I'm just being guarded until I know more information.

But again... thank you for being there and for caring.

Update on my dad.

2009-01-03T13:22:00.003-06:00

I promised people I'd update them, but I don't have much time... so I'm putting it here for now. My dad's doctor is about 90% sure he has cancer of some form. They think Lymphoma. It's good news he doesn't have lung cancer like they thought, but... yeah. Still not so great. His surgery is scheduled for Tuesday. After that, they'll know for sure what's going on and what has to be done next. Regardless, it will be a long road for him. So please keep him/my family in your prayers. Thanks tons.

Love,
Blake

Buttons...

2008-12-31T08:04:00.010-06:00

Last night, I got together with some friends and watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was three hours long. Three. That's a long time. Aside from that, it was kind of depressing. I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it. It gave a unique look at life.

I layed in bed last night, wide-eyed. If you know me at all, you know I usually have no trouble sleeping for long periods of time, let alone, falling asleep. But last night, I couldn't even shut my eyes. As I was setting my alarm on my phone, I saw that it was already 12/31/08. Whenever something big happens in life, like the "last time" I do something before something else happens, you know, "life changes," I get a little nostalgic. Well, sometimes. (I know this makes me sound like a hyper, paranoid, emotional FREAK, but bear with me. I'm only slightly freaky this week... And people usually get reflective around New Years, right? Right...) As petty as it sounds, I got to thinking that it was the last night before 2009, the year I freaking graduate college and (hopefully) find a "real job" and the last night (probably) before we find out about my dad and before our lives will make some other kind of change. And the enormity of those two things, paired with the way I sometimes get after movies, I could not sleep.

I got to thinking about how my life has felt like it's sped up in recent years. And how that terrified me. And how I really want to slow down a bit and savor it. And how even through all the crap in 2008, God has been so good to me.

There was a part in the movie that really got me. It was a series of shots of about 5 different people and how they're on this "collision course" of sorts. If just one thing had been different - the man had been on time, or the woman hadn't forgotten her purse - then something horrible (suspense!) wouldn't have happened. The flipside of that is true, too, I think. There's probably been many times in my life when something horrible "almost" happened and I was protected because I was late or because I waited to tie my shoe or I because got lost or stuck behind a train. You know? Or maybe not. I'm not really sure how all that works except that God is sovereign. I know that. And he's been good to me. And I have a lot to be thankful for.

Ahh. Forgive these raw, undigested, rambling thoughts.

Basically: regardless of the news with my dad today, God is good. And SOVEREIGN. And also, I'd wait to see Benjamin Button till it comes out so you can pause it in the middle... to break up the three hours. (Did I mention it was THREE HOURS??)

Washed by the water.

2008-12-28T17:20:00.009-06:00

Lately, I've been struck by the importance of water in my life. It sounds strange, I know... let me explain.

Water has always been important. Besides the fact that drinking it is essential to life, I've found that bodies of water give me great peace and joy... just watching it, being near it, or sometimes diving into it head first. (I think living by the Greystones harbor for three months ruined me for life. I'll always crave being near the water.)

We were supposed to go to the beach this week, in fact. But our plans changed the day we were supposed to leave (Friday), when my dad went into the hospital for a CAT scan and they found a large, "suspicious looking" mass in his lungs. (I am always struck by how plans change so much and so fast in life. It often reminds me I'm not in control. Which is a damn good thing.)

Anyway, please pray for my dad. We'll know more tomorrow after a biopsy. Even though this is not the week we had planned for, not the news we had hoped for... we're adapting. And God's still good.

Yesterday, I got up at 11:30. It was 60-ish degrees (which is crazy), so I took our dog for a walk. The sky was gray and sunless and drizzly. After living in Ireland, I've grown to love that kind of weather. So I walked. And walked. It was therapeutic, the brisk forward motion, the wind and rain in my face. When I came back, I just laid around and watched movies in my pajamas all day. Then I showered, merely for the ritual of it - the water, the cleansing. It sounds cheesy, but I actually thought about that in the shower as the water washed over my face. God can make all things new and good. And isn't water a beautiful picture of that? It's what I think of when I think of my baptism last summer - the water flowing over, cleansing, washing, creating newness. It's beautiful.

I'm in a point right now, where I need the water. I'm not going to belabor the metaphor by talking about "deserts in life"... in fact, the whole water thing probably sounds terribly trite and christiany. But it's been a reoccurring thought lately... a theme, of sorts. And I thought it was worth sharing.

Lyrics from a song I like:

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

(Washed by the Water, by Need to Breathe)

I guess that says it all. Please pray for my dad.

Just thinking…

2008-12-16T16:34:00.004-06:00

It’s 4:30 on a Tuesday afternoon. And I am sitting in Starbucks. I just wanted to get away, to get a Caramel Macchiato, and to pound on my keyboard for a bit. It’s funny how much I miss writing when I’m not writing everyday, all day. So, here I sit, at a small, round table, wedged in the front corner of the store. I’m surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windows: chilly, but ideal for people watching, which I like to do sometimes. Christmas music plays softly as snow falls even softer outside... like a scene from a Christmas movie. I watch the hustle of people with agendas and schedules safely from inside my home away from home. I’m on break, and it’s very much delightful.

I like break. A lot. One of my favorite parts so far has been reading. I’ve read every day of break (completely for fun – mostly Anne Lamott), and hope to keep it up. My high school English teacher once told us that if we only do one thing to improve our writing, we should read. (More than anything else, including writing… just read.) So, I’m reading. It’s good for the soul, anyway. Like… chicken soup?

(Sidenote… I am a horrible eavesdropper. Or maybe I’m just a creeper. I keep getting distracted! But some guy with a beard just came in and ordered a 5-shot Americano! Now THAT is what I’m talking about. I have a huge respect for people who don’t mess around with their coffee.)

Anyway. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been writing a lot this past semester, because I’m now on break and have time to think, because I'm a Comm major, or maybe because I’ve been watching too many movies… But lately, I’ve been more… observant? I see a 30-something woman with three kids and I immediately wonder about her story. I wonder how she got here, if she once had dreams to be a soccer mom, or if life just happened along the way. I wonder about the business man sitting two tables over from me, talking loudly on his cell phone. Does he enjoy his job? Does he have a family? I have no idea why I am curious about strangers. I don’t know why I’m wondering, but I can’t stop. New people walk in the store, and I wonder some more. A couple in their 50's just sat down at the table next to me. They ordered hot chocolate. I think they’re on a date because they’re super awkward. It’s kind of cute. What about them? I can’t help but wonder about their stories.

Now that I have one semester of college left, I’m wondering: what next? How much of life is determined by small decisions? This is both exciting and terrifying to me. Well, not terrifying, I guess… but slightly humbling. I know there’s parts of life I cannot control, but I just want to be doing something I love, you know? I want to enjoy coming into work everyday. I know I don’t have complete control over the rest of life… who I meet, what happens, what happens next… but I just hope that love what I do. I want a job that matters… that I can really sink my teeth into. (Ew… is that gross? You know what I mean.) Thinking about my future is becoming more inevitable by the day. I’m just praying God’s got my back and that he’ll open or close doors for me. There’s nothing wrong with being a soccer mom or a business man or a single 50-something person. I just wonder if that’s what they want to be doing. Or if not, what happened? I wonder what was going on in their minds senior year of college…

(Ok, this window table is getting chilly. My NOSE is cold. And I just took the last sip of my drink. That’s always sad. BY THE WAY- someone just ordered a VENTI SALTED CARAMEL HOT CHOCOLATE. I had no idea people ordered those things. In venti. Sick.)

So anyway, I guess I should go. Peace until next time!

alive and well.

2008-12-13T21:50:00.002-06:00

7 semesters of college under my belt. yessssss.

it's mostly wonderful being home and being on break ... though i did order my cap and gown online the other day... that kind of creeped me out.

oh well. not thinking about the future. just for now. :)

more of an update to come later... i promise.

christmas spirit.

2008-12-03T15:08:00.008-06:00

i am officially in full-christmas mode. i was faithful, almost to a ridiculous point, of not celebrating christmas decorations or music before thanksgiving. but now? BRING IT ON, BABY! decorations, present shopping (or pondering), snow, christmas lights, christmas movies (we watched ernast saves christmas the other day - anyone, anyone??), and most importantly, CHRISTMAS MUSIC. every time we've had music on in this festive little apartment this week, it has been christmas music. it's delightful.

this is my first "dead week" at taylor that i'm living comfortably through. i don't anticipate pulling any all-nighters, which may be a first for me. and i only have 2 real finals next week. one of them might be a doozy, but... i don't really care so much. :) i am officially done with three of my four classes. PEACE OUT, SCRIPTWRITING, FREELANCE WRITING, AND THEATER & THE CHURCH. all i have on friday is specialized reporting, then i am d-o-n-e with this semester of classes. finishing is such a good feeling.

i recently aquired several free tall specialty drink coupons for starbucks. woo hoo. i got the gingersnap latte today, and it was ok for the first 3/4 of the drink. but then i got chunks... CHUNKS... of ginger. the word chunk should never be used to describe coffee. i freaked out. i cannot drink the rest. good thing it was free. gingersnap latte, i will not be ordering you again.

my roommate brought back a VCR from home, and i brought back about 20 VHS tapes from the good old days. last night, we watched parent trap. today, we fell asleep on the couch to robin hood. can life get any better than this?? i submit that it CANNOT! ...oh wait... J-TERM!!!!

mish mash.

2008-11-24T16:15:00.009-06:00

random reflection: isn't it weird how when you're living life, you lose perspective? i always say that the day or the week or the semester is "flying by." but is it? or is that just the speed of life and i'm still not used to it?

hmm.

well anyway. a few things...

1. you should listen to vampire weekend. (the band.) mmm.
2. i sang karaoke last saturday night for the first time ever. we went out to a karaoke bar to celebrate a friend's birthday, and i ended up loving my life. i sang spice girls' "wannabe" with some roommates and a friend. it was ridiculous and hilarious. when we finished, a drunk man yelled out "DAMN NEAR PERFECTION!" and the woman in charge commented that we "wouldn't have any trouble finding lovers." HAHA. oh the things we do for our friends.
3. i've decided to start sending out more e-cards lately. i've decided that monk-e-mail and hoops and yoyo make life a lot better.
4. happy GOLDEN anniversary, parents! 24 years on the 24th. i'm really glad you decided to get married. :)

thanksgiving break is so close, i can taste it. it tastes like turkey.

seriously, though...

2008-11-18T22:04:00.008-06:00

10:05 pm - arrive at starbucks by myself. only one other kid in the shop. i pull out my laptop to start writing. it's quiet except for soft frank sinatra music playing in the background. beautiful.

11:05 pm - about nine couples have come and gone, and three are here right now. you know - the kind who are all about the PDA. (aka: i'm leaving.) where did they come from (ok- dumb question - TAYLOR) and when did starbucks become the cool place for couples to hang out and gaze at each other? AHHH.

seriously?? another one just came in. all couples - i swear.

bachman out!

Lord, beer me strength.

2008-11-17T21:14:00.008-06:00

i may have a problem. and by "may," i mean, i really do. caffeine seems to have lost it's effect on me. i mean, i usually don't think anything of this (this is not a new problem - it's just that i'm finally admitting it), but when i'm around friends who are shocked when i order a double or triple latte at 10.30 pm, asking how in the WORLD i'll fall asleep, and instead, i have serious trouble staying awake, it makes me wonder. (this has happened at least twice this past week.) and i thought i was doing better! i've cut back on trips to coffee shops! i recently started an excel document of all my receipts for the semester. i have a column called "coffee" and let's just say i've been convicted to spend less money on the java... seriously.

oh well. maybe i just need more sleep. probably.

in other more exciting news... i saw the decemberists in michigan last week! and it was magical. (not quite as beautiful as when i saw them in ireland... but still wonderful.) here's a few pics from the night.

how we feel about the decemberists.

(aren't they beautiful?)

so thanksgiving can come anytime now, please! i'm getting restless. it's not so much that i don't want to be here... just that i'm tired of homework. and i don't care. i mean... i want to do well, but i find myself with decreasing motivation to go to class and meetings. senioritis? i hate to admit it, but yes.

an encouraging verse i read the other day - with fresh eyes:

"i am the vine; you are the branches. whoever abides in me and i in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." -john 15:5

ok. i'm off to write a 10-page script for my scriptwriting class. the dumbest class ever. ok, maybe not, but really close.

mix it.

2008-11-10T21:43:00.013-06:00

mmmm itunes.

i made a fall playlist over the weekend that i'm fairly proud of. too bad it's so freaking cold now... otherwise, i'd suggest you snuggle up with a blanket, a mug of java, and watch the falling leaves through your open window... while listening to this. alas. most leaves have already fallen. and there's frost on my car windshield right now. i'm talking... CAKED-ON frost... the pesky kind that won't thaw. WHAT THE HECK.

... i guess it is mid november, so i'll let the chilly weather slide. (BUT! SIDENOTE. it is NOT ok to listen to christmas music yet. it just isn't.)

that being said... :) here's my fall 2008 playlist of sweet, mellow goodness. enjoy!

1. Wild Honey - U2
2. Measure - matt pond PA
3. Heartbeats - The Knife
4. Honey and the Moon - Joseph Arthur
5. Call Me When You Get This - Corinne Bailey Rae
6. How the Day Sounds - Greg Laswell
7. Dan And Marie Picking Hum - (Dan In Real Life Original Soundtrack) - Sondre Lerche
8. The Only Living Boy In New York - Simon & Garfunkel
9. I Know I Know - Sondre Lerche
10. Traffic In The Sky - Jack Johnson
11. Hideaway - The Weepies
12. Love - Matt White
13. The Chain (Live from Webster Hall) - Ingrid Michaelson
14. Blackbird - The Beatles
15. Shoot The Moon - Norah Jones
16. Silver Trees - Rocky Votolato
17. Impossible Germany - Wilco
18. Each Coming Night - Iron & Wine
19. Jesus On The Radio - Guster
20. I Feel It All - Feist
21. I Am Mine - Brooke Waggoner
22. Stay Or Leave - Dave Matthews Band

i do love making mixes. perhaps that's my love language? music and coffee? yep. now you know the way to my heart.

today.

2008-11-03T20:31:00.008-06:00

the weather has been ridiculously pleasant lately. today's high was 74 degrees. and people were freaking out. "it's NOVEMBER!" they said. "why is it SO nice??" they have a point. it is, afterall, november. and last week, it was in the 30's.

but i decided not to question. today was a gift and i chose to accept it, love it, and relish it... no matter "the reason" for the sudden burst of unusually gorgeous weather.

i worked out today, and instead of walking right back to my apartment, i took the long way back, around the loop. i don't typically walk the loop by myself, but i felt it was necessary today. so i walked it myself, soaking up the weather, the people, the changing leaves and the unusual burst of outdoor activities. it was all so lovely, but the trees were perfect. they made me think of this quote... perhaps my favorite fall quote ever.

"it was warm and bright and the trees were full in color, magnificent, explosive, like permanent fireworks -- reds and yellows, oranges, some so brilliant that crayola never put them in crayons, for fear the children would color outside the lines." --garrison keillor, eloise

isn't that great?

as i rounded the bend by wengatz, and spotted english hall, in all her glory, it hit me: a tiny twinge of... homesickness? that's the only way i know how to describe it. i have little reason to venture to that side of campus this year, so i guess the sight of it just... made me miss it. i wouldn't want to go back. no sir. i've done the dorm thing 3 times, and got a well rounded experience through english and olson, thank you. although i LOVE living off campus now, i'd be lying if i didn't admit to missing old wingmates and the innocence that came with being an underclassmen. that's gone now, because the real world is sneaking up on me, and sooner or later, i'm going to have to grow up... somewhat. (frick.)

on another note, i hit a raccoon tonight. my first roadkill. i mean, i hit the poor sucker HEAD ON... felt the bump, heard the crunch. and i screamed like a little girl. now that i've settled down, i'll admit i feel a strange sense of accomplishment. but seriously, this thing was begging for death... it froze in the middle of the road and looked up at me. there was a car coming the other way, so swerving was not an option. i slowed down, but so did he, and it was split-second stop and go game until i finally nailed it. oh well. guess there's a first for everything. my brother and the other guys in the car thought it was the best thing ever, showering me with high-fives and roaring laughter. so there's a memory, i guess.

alright. i'm off to do homework. or maybe to avoid homework, which is a skill i've recently MASTERED. helllloooo senioritis!

sanity break.

2008-10-22T18:55:00.012-05:00

it's been awhile since i last wrote. it's probably time for a life update on the past several weeks, but i'll do it later. :) not feeling it right now.

today was a blah day. it started out that way, anyway. i woke up with a headache, so it was doomed from the get-go. the headache got worse, and so did my outlook on life. i took a nap. then i grabbed my keys, slightly impulsively, and left.

first, i went to the most natural place to go when you need some joy infused in your life (starbucks), then i hit up the gas city park. (for those of you not from around here, yes, there is a nearby town called 'gas city.' ha-ha, i know.) anyway, it was chilly and beautiful, and for the most part, secluded, which is exactly what i needed. i picked a red park bench, painted in dappled patterns of afternoon sun and leafy shade. with tall caramel machiato in hand, i sat for a few minutes, clearing my head, being still.

then, i pulled out my Bible and journal, and did my thing. words dripped from my heart, from my pen, flowing faster than i could scribble.

when my fingers were too cold to keep writing, i shoved them in my pockets and watched the water in front of me for awhile. the whole thing was really just so picturesque, with the pond and the sun and the weeping willow blowing in the chilly breeze.

i don't know what it is about water and me, but when i'm near it, i get this sense of OK-ness. it doesn't matter if it's the mighty waves of the cold irish sea or the dinky pond in gas city, indiana, it's refreshing... comforting... needed. you know?

anyway, i'm feeling much better now... my head and my heart. sometimes, i just need to give myself room to breathe. a real update will come later, i promise. hold me to it. life gets busy and then i forget to write.

ps. isn't fall wonderful?

jim and pam.

2008-09-26T00:32:00.001-05:00

i should be studying for my specialized reporting test tomorrow. according to the quad-shot latte i just finished, i should be good for a little longer (though it has yet to really kick in... hmm). but instead of studying, my mind drifts to the office season 5 premiere.

jim and pam are getting married. MARRIED. as it should be. as it always should have been.

i have to admit that last season's premiere was pretty spectacular, with meredith getting hit by the car and all (ha)... but JIM AND PAM GETTING ENGAGED in the first episode of this season?? it was unexpected, and i adore that. actually, can i just list the wonderful things about this engagement? ok great.

1. it's jim and pam. and they are FINALLY engaged. (duh.)
2. it was definitely not expected for a season premiere.
3. it happened in the rain. (sigh.)
4. it happened at a gas station halfway between the two of them in the middle of the day - so unexpected, but an obvious sign that jim missed her and needed her and loved her.

so basically, it was perfect.

perhaps i am a bit nerdy, but come on. if you love the office, you probably loved this episode, too. ...maybe not enough to blog about it. but then again, it is 1.30 am and i'm running on 4 shots of espresso... and an extreme will to procrastinate studying.

jim and pam halpert. AHHHH!

bachman weekend.

2008-09-24T10:54:00.008-05:00

last weekend was parents weekend at taylor. this year, all the bachmans came up for the weekend of mayhem. (on parents weekend, taylor has a specific schedule of events and activities and concerts... we never do any of them.) we do our own thannng.

on saturday, we watched women's volleyball (ellie was in 7th heaven), had a waffle breakfast in my apartment (thanks to my talented and rather domestic roommate, kaitlyn), we ate at 'hoes, we goofed off (naturally), we went to mi pueblo (more on that in a minute...), and then the parentals went to bed for the night. ...so what did the four bachman children do? we made a big pot of coffee and put in office season 4. and LOVED OUR LIVES. (we are such siblings.)

on sunday, we went to our baller church, had lunch at the cracker barrell, and then said our goodbyes.

such a delightful weekend. i'm rather blessed.

LOVE HER.

quatro!

at this delicious little mexican place called mi pueblo, they do this special thing for birthdays. they sing a mexican song and smother the birthday person's face in whipped cream. it wasn't james' birthday, but the possibility of this happening was too fantastic to pass up. so we lied when he wasn't looking. (watch the video below, taken right after the incident...) ahh ha ha, i love my life.

one life.

2008-09-12T13:19:00.007-05:00

so, my freelance writing teacher talked for almost all 3.5 hours of our tuesday night class on the topic of... time management. he said a lot of things, most of them very convicting, and eye-opening, and whatnot. of course. and then he said, with great passion, "PEOPLE, life is not a dress rehearsal! this is the only life we get." ooh, so true.

he talked about how often we always say we're going to start doing ___ when ___ finally happens. but that's stupid. he's right - we only get so many days. we can't wait around. we are living life. this is it! my personal goal for this year is to live it up. it's a terrible cliche, but i honestly don't want to waste a moment. (maybe if i don't sleep...?)

recap on my life of late:

last weekend was perfect. i went to michigan (for the first time ever!) with my lovely, dear friend sarah. we wandered through st. joe. we layed out for multiple hours at the gorgeous BEACH. we chased seagulls. we laughed at the annoying, loudmouthed freshmen nearby. we imitated the annoying, loudmouthed freshmen nearby. we laughed. we talked. we took pictures. we soaked up the feeling of relaxation. it was delightful.

[living the life.]

this past week has been busy and tiring. i'm currently trying to find the balance between writing (aka: every class i'm taking, plus the newspaper) and life. i don't want to get burnt out, but weekly deadlines will do that to you... Lord, beer me strength.

i have had fun, though. i recently acquired the office season 4, which is scientifically proven to make life better.

[we screamed. kind of like we did last year when we drove to muncie to pick up season 3. we are devoted fans and lovers of this show.]

so basically, life is good but busy and tiring. i definitely need more sleep. and a semi-decent bedtime. what else is new?

the semester of writing.

2008-08-27T23:55:00.006-05:00

i've now officially had one of each class. i like most of them. i don't think i'll hate any of them. i may get sick of/overwhelmed with writing for the first time in my life, however. (scriptwriting, specialized reporting, freelance writing, and theater and the church. and i'm a co-editor for a section of our newspaper.) geeze. louise. i'm sure i'll survive and i'm sure i'll come out a better person and a better writer. i think i'm just in that first-day-syllabus state of shock.

as i was in our apartment kitchen this morning, pouring my coffee, the stove clock caught my eye. then i glanced at the microwave. according to both, i was already a minute late to my 8:30 scriptwriting class. and i hadn't even left my apartment. (great first impression, blake.) i was 5 minutes late to class, which i didn't think much of until the professor reached that part of the syllabus. he explained that tardiness was just "not cool" and how we're upperclassmen and should know better. ouch. so of course, i felt the need to apologize afterwards. as people were leaving, i walked to the front of class. "um," i started. "i... just wanted to say i'm really sorry for being late this morning. i have a chronic problem with lateness. it's no excuse, i know, but i'll work on it. and i'm sorry." he laughed, then asked if there was any problem he should know about that he could help accommodate for. "oh, no..." i said, "it's just me not being a morning person and not leaving soon enough. it's stupid and really not an excuse." he laughed and said he married a woman who has been late her whole life. "this is good to know, though," he said. he motioned toward my coffee mug. "i'll tell you what. if you decide to be late someday, just pour me an extra cup of coffee before you leave." um... deal.

it would seem i have some new cool professors this semester.

another cool professor is my freelance writing teacher in ft. wayne. it's a heck of a drive to get to the ft. wayne campus (1 hour there, 1 hour back), but after my first class on tuesday night, i'm thinking it will be worth it. he's intense, and extremely challenging, no doubt, but it's going to be so good for me, and so worth it. and he's unbelievably experienced, having written for magazines like TIME... and he's written books, too. (ok, those are lame credentials, but he is amazing! i just can't remember specifics.) anyway. we don't leave his class without being published, he said. that's exciting.

the echo is going quite well. i enjoy our section. this week, we're highlighting all the new things on campus, and one of my stories is on president habecker and mary lou's new SEGWAYS. i'm not kidding. if i get my way, we'll have pictures of president habecker and gob bluthe from arrested development on their segways, side by side. we'll see.

ok. this writer is hitting the hay. but before i do, i will say this... in regards to this crazy semester of writing. to quote sir kanye: "n-n-now that that don't kill me can only make me stronger." word.

returning thoughts.

2008-08-22T10:14:00.007-05:00

summer didn't seem short until i arrived at taylor. as i turned left onto the loop, and saw the back of grace olson hall, it was like deja vu - floods of memories and emotions. it felt like i just packed my little red honda up a couple weeks ago, instead of three whole months ago. the feeling was vivid. time flies, no?

life is so familiar here. it is home. i don't mean that in a cute-sy way. i love st. louis, but my heart is here. i don't know if it's possible to adequately explain why i love this place so much. i mean, words come to mind... words like: cornfields, insane traditions, dear friends, paynes coffeeshop, wonderful/intentional/crazy community, the best professors in the world (i realize i am completely biased), handy andy, the student union, our beautiful campus, backroads, chapel (i can't wait), the way God works... you know i can go on... the joy it brings my heart to be with my friends really cannot be expressed. it's a huge family here. quirky brothers and dear sisters. sweet reunions.

right now, i'm a bit overwhelmed by God's goodness. i had a good phone conversation with my dear friend sarah on the way up to taylor. we both had a bit of a rough year last year, for some different reasons and for some of the same. but we're neighbors now. we live across the hall from each other in our brand new, BEAUTIFUL apartments. and we both had refreshing summers full of God's goodness and beauty. (granted, she was in IRELAND for half of it... but... my summer was still good. despite that.) i guess you could say we're kind of excited for this year...

i adore living off campus, by the way. if last year was a year of growth for me, i'm interested/STOKED to see what this year will end up being. i've already felt blessed in the two days i've been here. thanks, God. you are good.

got baaaptized!

2008-08-17T19:22:00.004-05:00

i just got home from my sweet swimming pool baptism! (literally. my hair is still drying.) but yeah... it was really great. since some of you couldn't be there, i'll let you know what went down... (and thanks, by the way, for being excited for me. i may have the best friends in the world? just throwing that out there. but really, your excitement means a lot. and this baptism meant a lot to me. it was that next step for me, you know?)

so i shared my "story," hitting on the spiritual highlights, from that sunday school classroom at age 4, to my missions trip to russia at age 16, to taylor, to a semester in ireland... there was so much more i wanted to share, but felt like i'd hog too much time, so i left it at those "highlights." then when i actually got in the pool (it was cold, and deeper than i anticipated when i hopped in), my pastor said some words, then "dunked" me (is there appropriate baptism terminology for that?)... and while i was under, i don't know what happened, but i started choking under water. then i came up and gasped for air and started laughing. way to go, blake. way to go. it was supposed to be this meaningful moment... which it was... but then i just had to add my little touch to things. oh gosh.

but it was great. and i love the timing... it's a good way to go into my senior year. speaking of which. i leave on tuesday. and i haven't packed a thing. ooops. better get on that. (i am the world's worst packer. i leave it all until the last minute because i hate it so much... ahh. you'd think after 3 years, i'd be a pro...)

sweet caroline.

2008-08-15T16:12:00.004-05:00

there are few things or people in life that make me laugh more than my youngest cousin, caroline. she is four. and a fireball. and entertainment for anyone whose path she crosses. and i adore being big cousin "blakers" to her. when she comes over, we watch "disney princess movies," eat popsickles, and play with the dog. sometimes, i let her hold and listen to my ipod, which in her mind, is the coolest, most expensive item ever made. but our favorite thing to do is play "beauty parlor" in my room. it's the best.

caroline came over last week for an afternoon. i had some makeup samples that came in the mail. enough said?

caroline.

this is her "holding still" face. please notice the one green eye and one purple eye. it's because she wanted "one of each." and notice the lipstick. she did it all by herself.

"caroline, pose like a model for me!"

yeah. i freakin love this kid.

pool party?

2008-08-11T11:31:00.003-05:00

soo... i'm getting baptized!

the story behind it is long, because it's been several years "in the making." i've wanted to be baptized for awhile, but just never felt a peace about it. until now. God's been doing some big stuff in my heart this summer, so when the doors opened for this to happen before i head back to school, it was like "YES! DOIN' IT!"

our church is pretty big, but the service my family goes to (quest) is smaller, so we're doing the baptism off-site. in a swimming pool. (i LOVE that.)

it's a big step, so i figured it was blog-worthy. it's next sunday, so i'm sure i'll have more thoughts later...

ps. on a completely unrelated note, why do mondays always suck? i mean, always... right down to the fact that my morning coffee was watery and since i was rushing out the door on the way to work (nothing's changed), i was forced to drink it. unbelievable.

carpe diem?

2008-07-31T17:12:00.012-05:00

aside from selected moments where i've gotten overwhelmed with the ominous "future" or just life in general, this has been the most fulfilling summer i've had in awhile, or maybe, ever. instead of wishing my summer away so i can get back to my friends and the familiarity of that crazy town of upland, i've been enjoying my summer. really enjoying it. this is my last summer at home before i graduate. and this year is my last year of college. i'd be a fool not to soak this summer up and take it for what it's worth. besides, st. louis is baller. except for the humidity.

so, tomorrow is august. that means i have 18 days left in the lou. senior year is coming quickly, dudes. i've been warned that once it begins, it flies. although this is a bit scary, i think this summer has been prepping me on how to "soak it up." if there's one thing i've learned these past few years, it's that life is not guaranteed. it is a precious, precious gift. i'm not going to wish a day away because i have a test or a presentation or an interview i'm dreading. that's one day of my life, one day unlike any other i'll ever have again. soak it up. live it up. those are my goals for senior year. i have a feeling it's going to be a blast.

alright, that's enough "seize the day" talk for one day. on an unrelated and kind of opposite note, you need to listen to this... go to tinysong.com. type in "dead puppies" and click on the first result. it is so funny. (i'd have put up the youtube link, but some of them are, um, slightly graphic.) enjoy!

full.

2008-07-15T19:07:00.011-05:00

i am currently sitting on our oceanside balcony, watching and listening to the waves crash on the myrtle beach shore in front of me. the sun's ready to slip behind the endless, blue horizon. old men are fishing down the beach, with sailor hats and big guts. palm trees shimmy in the ocean breeze. kids in the pool play keep-away. the wind plays with my hair. the air smells salty.

i inhale deeply. and smile. drink it in. thank you, God.

i've found this to be an especially relaxing vacation. in fact, this has been an especially relaxing summer. i've realized the need to not be so busy, to not go so fast, to just be. and to enjoy it. this, my friends, is revolutionary in the life of blake bachman. i'm always "so busy." and i'm usually late to things. i call it "being fashionably late." my mom sees it differently. and she called me out on it one of my first weeks home. "that's just who i am," i reasoned. "and that's a cop out," she said. dammit, she's right.

i've been working on it. i've also been working on some other things like saving money (starbucks expenses have drastically dropped), going to bed earlier (my normal 2 am doesn't work so well with the whole early morning job thing), working out (why hello, YMCA!), and setting other unflinchingly rigid routines (which are good for me to have... like reading before bed and praying on the way to work... they sound trivial, perhaps, but they've been good for me). i don't really know how to explain the result of this except that i am beginning to feel more "me" than i have in a long time. i'm giving my soul room to breathe. to figure things out. and it's so terribly, wonderfully, beautifully refreshing. i feel full. (not like after thankgiving dinner or girls' weekend at the lake (haha...) but i have this tremendous sense of OK-ness. peace. that God's in control. that i'm ok now and will be after i graduate, too (deep breath). and also, that God called us to live abundant lives in this crazy world. ...i guess that's kind of what i'm working through, anyway. baby steps.)

the moon is out now, dancing faintly on the water. it's exquisite. i'd stay to write more, but my battery is dying. and i think that's a good enough update for now.

i think i'll go lean on the railing and watch the ocean some more. drink it in. be still. be full. goodnight.

check him out. for real.

2008-07-07T23:16:00.008-05:00

an update is coming soon, i promise.

to tide you over until then (i'm sure you're dying to hear what's been going on in this brain, right? er..) ... youtube "greg laswell." he opened for ingrid michaelson this past wednesday. (which, by the way, is in my top 4 concerts of all time, i think. maybe even 3. ok, probably 4. but it was still so, so good.) ingrid is a fricking genius. but greg held his own. i've never loved an opening band, and i'd never even heard of him, but he was brilliant. he's funny and honest and talented. such a great combo. check. this. guy. out.

some of my favorite lyrics (from his song "embrace me"):

o river won't you take me

out into the sea

so i can get a good look back

at the land that grounds me

and then a little further out

so i can feel alone

much more than i have these days

o then won't you embrace me

o won't you embrace me?

AHH. so. good.

beauty in time.

2008-06-17T19:43:00.018-05:00

man, is God doing a lot in my heart.

so basically, every sermon since i've been home has been exactly what i needed to hear at that exact moment - like a personalized "here, blake, this one's for you." i actually started crying in the middle of church this past sunday - can you believe that? (i hid it fairly well.. but there were tears nonetheless.) the sermon was on ecclesiastes 3. yes- that famous chapter on the "times for everything." basically, like the chapter title says, there's a time for everything... sometimes this weird, crazy mix of things we call "life" adds up. sometimes it clicks and it makes sense and it's good. and sometimes it doesn't. for example, death. how is the heck is that good? how does that make sense? in the "times for everything," it says there is a time for mourning. for grief. it's a part of the greater picture, and to deny it is to deny being human.

here's what gets me (this might be a lengthy entry - i took a lot of notes) - God never designed for us to die. we were made to LIVE. everything about death seems wrong and strange to us because we weren't designed for it. at funerals, we celebrate life, we honor... we try to see the good. but if we're being honest, it sucks. it aches in that place inside you, where words cannot express.

this is when it really hit me. "he has made everything beautiful in its time." (ecc. 3:11.) this means that everything, everything will be beautiful eventually. do i believe that? could it be that there's something far bigger and far more beautiful about death than we could ever fathom with our finite, human brains?

april 26, 2006 happened, and i was crushed. i was crippled by the pain. maybe that sounds dramatic, but that's exactly how i felt for a long time. it's taken me over two years to be able to feel like i'm beginning to "heal"- whatever that means. it still hurts. it hits me at random times, and i don't hold back the tears. i let myself remember, because i think it's important to remember. but i also let myself realize all that's happened in those 2+ years. it's hard to say that "good" has happened because of it. i hate saying that. but i have to acknowledge that God has moved mountains in my life. i have to. it's very possible i wouldn't have gone to ireland without laurel's enthusiastic and earnest encouragement to go. (which still gives me goosebumps, by the way.) and i know i wouldn't have the perspective i now have on life. it's a gift. a precious gift. i've learned that time after time after time... after losing my sweet grandma; after losing a dad in our small group to suicide; after walking through life with a close friend who, at 20 years old, unexpectedly lost her dad.

all of that to say, we cannot even begin to fathom the way God works. we are fools to try to put him in a box. he does beautiful, permanent things in his time, not our's.

it's like this. God is weaving our lives together into a beautiful, permanent tapestry. (none of us know the picture.. not yet.) but we know it's beautiful and we know it's intricate.

sometimes, i think we get glimpses of the picture. we see the beauty of redemption, and we get a taste. we see sacrifice and grace and brokenness and healing and we see a little more. but often, for me at least, all i can see is the back - the confusing, frustrating parts - the knotted threads, the gaps, the tangled mess. i can't see beyond it. but what's so amazing is that while i can't see past the mess, the picture on the flipside is becoming clearer and more beautiful. i fully believe that. and i also trust that God uses the the gaps and the tangled threads for good. it's all part of the plan. to wish those away might mean to wish away the very things God wants to use in our lives to make us more like him. (WOW.)

God makes everything beautiful in its time. everything happens for a reason. everything. and there is a time for everything. God, please help me remember this.

time to... save?

2008-06-14T10:49:00.012-05:00

lately, i've been trying to save money. (that's the responsible thing to do your last summer before your senior year of college, right?) perhaps the best way to do that for blake bachman is to cut back on the relatively frequent trips to coffee shops. but you know what? i've realized i can only do this so much.

on the way home from dropping my sister off at volleyball early this morning (9am on a saturday is early...), the all too familiar craving came over me. remembering that i have a giftcard in my wallet (recently found while cleaning up the basement, probably from 3 christmases ago), i navigated to the nearest caffeinated haven. (giftcard = totally justifiable.) grande caramel macchiato, please and thank you. the first sip was heaven. a smile instantly spread across my tired face. as i drove home from the webster groves starbucks, windows down, music high, sipping my macchiato, i wondered if it was my imagination or if life was actually better? it was then that i came to this conclusion: you can only deny yourself so much expensive coffee. yes, it's good to save money. yes, $4 is quite a lot to pay for a cup of joe. but there are other drinks... such as the iced double shot which is only $2.50. (which only makes for more justifying on my part- i'm good at that.) but money aside, it's coffee we're talking about, here. the lifeblood of... many people. life paired with coffee is a beautiful thing, friends. they go hand in hand.

my brother, paul, made a good point the other day. "you can't really put a price on the joy you get from a good starbucks drink." well said, young grasshopper. well said.

in conclusion? screw money. not worth it in the end.

for granted.

2008-06-09T19:44:00.001-05:00

hmm.

filling the vacuum.

2008-06-08T15:07:00.017-05:00

"there is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus." -blaise pascal

so... the past couple church sermons have got this head thinking. i think one reason why they've resonated so much with me is because they go hand in hand with some advice i got from my dear friend julia this past semester. she told me that she has to be filled up with God before anything else makes sense. even though she has a boyfriend and grad school and whatever else, those only satisfy certain parts of her heart. her deepest longing is to be filled with Jesus. and if she isn't, then none of the rest make sense.

hmm.

last week, our church decided to start a new sermon series called "living life on empty." (again, i resonate, because this is kind of how i felt last year.) the question was posed last week and this week: "what are we trying to fill our lives with that ends up being inadequate to satisfy the 'vacuum' in our hearts?" hmm. for me? being busy. i'm pretty sure that's my big one. because if i stopped for one freaking second, i would realize that it's not all about what i have to get done or where i need to be. even being home, taking a break from school, i struggle to make sufficient time for my Lord. busyness cannot fill my God shaped vacuum; it only distracts me from it. only when i make the time to make Christ my center will anything make sense. (but you know, when things don't make sense, when my heart hurts, i shouldn't ignore the pain, because pain is what reminds us that we need God. it reminds us we're human. ...which sucks, but we need a reminder every now and then, right?)

i don't know if this makes as much sense written out as it does in my head and my heart right now. it's kind of a bunch of truth jumbled together... but sometimes i think i need to just write it down to let it sink in. i know for a fact that i fill my life with things that are ultimately unsatisfying at the end of the day. it's my prayer that i start seeking eternal things more, that i start seeking God's face more, that i let God fill my God shaped vacuum.

the present.

2008-05-30T17:42:00.007-05:00

as hilarious as this may sound, LOST has got me thinking. yes, the tv show.

the flash forwards are brilliant. i can't even begin to fathom how the writers manage to make it flow so seamlessly, keeping us guessing, speculating, intrigued. they clue us in on the future... then give us puzzle pieces to figure out how it happens.

last night, in the season finale, i found myself anxious as i watched (i'm a LOST nerd, yes), but i knew "the oceanic six" who would make it off the island, thanks to the flash forwards. i'd "seen the future" so i wasn't nervous for them. the flipside of this: in the episode before the finale, when they showed sayid and his wife, nadia, i didn't get attached to her character because i knew from the flash forwards that nadia would die soon.

what if we could flash forward in real life? i think i'd hate it. i'd start to plan my life based on what i knew would happen. perhaps i'd get too comfortable with the way things were and give up dreams because i knew how it would end up. honestly, that's a terrifying thought.

i have no idea what i'm going to do a year from now, when i'm all graduated. i mean, i could be an intern with the st. louis cardinals or i could be writing for relevant magazine or i could be a starbucks barista... here or perhaps... in ireland? haha. i know i'm going to have to worry about that soon, but for now, it's kind of exciting not having a clue what will come next. i don't normally like that feeling, but for some reason, it's oddly exciting to me.

i thank God we can't flash forward in real life. i don't want to know who i'm going to marry, how many kids i'm going to have, what career i'll end up with... not yet. i'm really ok with the present, being blake the college kid. i see all these facebook albums and relationship status updates... people my age, and younger, are getting married. yikes? i'm not ready for all that just yet. and that's really ok.

little things.

2008-05-26T15:16:00.010-05:00

at the risk of sounding terribly trite and cheesy, i'm throwing it out there. it really is the little things that make me so glad to be home, so glad to be here, so glad to be living.

it's sitting on our front porch swing, being still, breathing deep, watching the brilliant thunderstorm roll in... appreciating.

it's driving a block farther, then looping around so i can listen to the rest of coldplay's "fix you," just so it ends perfectly as i'm pulling in the driveway.

it's watching youtube videos with mary kate shields. enough said.

these are silly little luxuries. but they're what make me smile, what put that little bounce in my step. at school last year, i often found myself just trying to get by. it was a vicious cycle of living deadline to deadline. though i definitely had some great times (and i don't mean to downplay those in any way), that's really no way to live. i was drained. praise God for a summer in st. louis. i'm beginning to feel refreshed.

mm, random.

2008-05-23T14:57:00.011-05:00

since i'm just chilling at bread co, i decided to take advantage of the fact that i have wireless. blogging time!
randomness of my life this week:
i had high hopes of breaking my horrible caffeine addiction this summer. it's not going so well thus far. i'm thinking i should try to be a little less drastic?

work is good. i forgot how nerdy i am... i adore playing around with and editing newsletters.

i went to the doctor today. apparently, i have allergies. my throat is swollen and i'm not sick. and i sneeze allll the time. woohoo drugs.

i went to the wilco concert last saturday and sat in the 21+ section. in one word? heaven.

ok that's it for now.

ps. i love being home. :)

whirlwind?

2008-05-19T22:11:00.011-05:00

i hate referring to my life or to school as "a whirlwind." i don't like the way that sounds... or feels. whirlwind. maybe it's because it makes me realize how fleeting life really is? anyway, i really can't think of a better term to describe life since i last wrote.

it's hard to remember all that happened. mostly, it was me struggling to keep my head above water. ever since the funeral, i've been playing catch up with school. (it's not a fun game; i wouldn't recommend it.) and then came dead week (which nearly killed me) and finals week. but SURPRISE - God is faithful. i somehow made it through and it looks like all my grades and assignments are accounted for. that is not by my own doing, friends. there are so many nights i can't believe i didn't fall asleep at my computer and so many mornings i'm shocked i didn't sleep through my alarm (which i'm known for doing). God is good.

so the last two weeks happened. and now i'm back in the lou. and honestly, i'm glad. i had a hard time coming home freshman year because i adored school and my wing (and after the accident, i just didn't want to be scattered all across the US). then last year... ireland. basically, no part of me wanted to return to US soil. but this year? i'm really ok with closing the chapter of my life known as "junior year." i had some great times, made some wonderful friends, and took some sweet classes that have sharpened my mind and softened my heart. but... it was a hard year. and it's just nice to have a breather, i guess.

so. summer 08. working part time at church again, part time nannying (hopefully?), and... taking a break from this freaking whirlwind. (i'll worry about senior year later.)

life goes on.

2008-05-01T14:51:00.001-05:00

isn't it strange how life goes on? it doesn't stop when you hurt. it doesn't stop when you leave. it just goes on, dammit.

i just got out of my first class this week. today is THURSDAY. that just goes to show how far behind i am now. teachers have been great, but that doesn't make the load less. i just made my to do list. it took two whole post-it notes - i had to connect them in the middle. it was so depressing, i almost cried right in the middle of digital photo 1 class.

i got back to campus at 10:00 last night. my closer friends were sweet and hugged me and told me they'd been praying. but as a whole, campus was campus. the union was hopping with laughter and energy. i felt out of place. like a walking zombie. i was reentering the collegiate life after several hard days that grew me up.

friday was one of the hardest days i can remember. i awoke to the phone call from my mom. "blake, honey... mop is in heaven now. i wanted to let you know." what's ironic is that friday was grandparent's day at taylor. and my other grandma was visiting. so i had to kind of put on this happy face... all day. i felt like i was going to burst. it's an awful feeling. then when they left, i did. what sucks is that there is no good place to cry on this campus. sometimes all my heart needs is a good cry. so literally the second they pulled away from campus, the tears welled up... i climbed the outside staircase of olson hall and just sat. i clung to the railing for awhile and sobbed. and prayed. and let it all out. in a strange way, it was beautiful. i felt like God was holding me in the palm of his hand, while i just cried and cried.

saturday was one of the best days i can remember. yes, it was the 2 year anniversary of the accident. but considering that last year, i was in ireland, essentially alone in my remembrance... it was a beautiful contrast. i was surrounded with my 1st north girls. abby even flew in from california. it was a sweet time that did my heart so much good. God really knows when we need community, huh? the sorrow of that day was overshadowed by the sharing of sweet memories and of just being. i think i laugh the hardest when i'm with those precious girls. God provided me the love and hugs and laughter i needed. a hand would squeeze mine just when i needed it. an arm would wrap around my shoulder when my mind started to drift to the next few days that would ensue. we were definitely on the same page emotionally. (thanks, God. you know what you're doing.)

sunday-tuesday was a whirlwind of e-mailing profs, getting work subs, driving home, and helping prepare. i ended up speaking at mop's funeral. i decided about 11pm the night before. although it was one of the hardest things i've done, i am so glad i did it. my mom and uncle gave the eulogy, but there was a small part missing and that was what this woman meant to her 22 grandchildren. a bunch of them came up to stand with me as i spoke on behalf of everyone. (which i appreciated, because i almost lost it a couple times.) i think she was honored. and that's all i wanted to do. she was a great grandmother who loved us all more than life itself.

and now i'm back at school. with 14 days left. i have absolutely no idea how that happened. but i know God will pull me through. even if i don't get sleep. he'll take care of me. i have no reason to doubt.

and life will go on, right?

dearest mop.

2008-04-26T00:09:00.004-05:00

early this morning, my sweet grandma met Jesus. she had a stroke last week and wasn't getting better, so we tried to prepare ourselves for this. but i wasn't, really, to be honest. i don't think you can ever prepare yourself for the phone call.

the thought of never seeing her again breaks my heart. some of my favorite childhood memories happened with mop and pop at their big, beautiful house on 120 plant avenue. memories like making mickey mouse waffles on saturday mornings (after a slumber party with the grandkids the night before, of course); making secret tents out of bedsheets, scotch tape, and furniture; playing tetris and monopoly on mop's computer (in the early 90's, baby!); sleigh riding on their little hill behind the house... i could go on for hours.

but you know, as hard as it is... she's free. free from all her earthly suffering and pain. free from physical limitations. free to dance with Jesus. (and that makes me jealous.)

last night, i couldn't sleep. i never have problems sleeping; that's one thing i'm pretty darn good at. but not last night. i was wide awake between 2-5.30 am. you know what's weird? mop entered eternity at 1.20 am (2.20 my time). i had no idea why i couldn't sleep, and i was so tired, it was annoying me. so i prayed. for her. for my mom. for my family. and then i counted sheep. still wide awake - something wouldn't let me drift off. i somehow knew? it sounds weird, but something in my heart knew... without me really knowing. (if that makes sense?) my mom commented this morning how at peace she was when she left... and how it happened at 1.20 am, which was fitting since she lived on 120 plant avenue for all those years. i know that's probably a silly little coincidence. but those are the things we cling to, right? it brings me back to the beautiful memories.

so mop, you're in heaven now. reunited with pop. you finally made it. and you are finally free.

love always, your favorite, most beautiful and modest grandchild, (how i used to sign all my cards to her) :)

blake

growth.

2008-04-16T20:56:00.005-05:00

i'm at paynes right now, sipping a foamy double caramel latte (from a mug - it's all about the mug - am i right?). i came here with the intention of getting homework done. then... got distracted. i've spent the last half hour perusing my friend's blogs which i haven't looked at in weeks... and then i went back and reread some of mine from this year. i realized a bit of a theme.

first, if you've read from this blog at all in the past few months, you know that this year has not been an easy one. it's been hard for many reasons. a few of those: re-entering taylor after a beautiful semester abroad, switching wings, missing old friends, a rough classload (first semester), beginning to deal with some grief, spreading myself thin, dealing with "being homeless" all january from the flood (which really affected me more than i thought it would - it was hard being uprooted for so long; not having a real place to call my own), and just being drained - emotionally and spiritually... even physically. i haven't gotten a whole lot of sleep this year. those may seem like smaller things individually, but they stack up.

i hate that this entry is all about me, but i guess this is my blog afterall. i think this is worth noting. you know what pattern i've been seeing?

it seems this whole year has been one big growth experience.

even though it's been considerably harder than any of my other years here, i'm seeing that it's been good. i can say that confidently because i know God's been working in my heart. he's been molding it... it's hurt, but i think that's because it's been bent a little out of shape... in a good way. i can feel the growth. the Lord has changed some of what my heart aches for. he's pushed me and stretched me in various circumstances - he's given me boldness where i would have hid before. he's stretched me beyond what i used to be able to handle. but he's also held out his hand when i just couldn't do it anymore. he's held me when i had to get away from people and just cry out to him and just abide in him.

so. all of that to say. this year has by no means been a waste. i never thought it was... not completely... but i'll be honest. the thought has crossed my mind a few times: "what the heck and i doing here?" am i even happy? at times, i just felt so drained. but God does not allow us to go through trials without growth. and thankfully, as i'm nearing the end of this year, i'm beginning to see that.

thank you, abba father, for revealing yourself to me and proving yourself faithful time after time after time. and thank you for growth. you dream bigger dreams than i do. and you knew i needed this time of personal growth. so thank you for providing it. help me to make the most of the rest of this year. amen.

heart vomit.

2008-04-02T20:54:00.008-05:00

i don't think i've ever had so much on my mind that i can't express it. too many thoughts and not near enough words. i'll attempt an entry anyway. for my sanity's sake.

i've had so much on my heart and mind lately that i feel ADD. as soon as i think about one thing, there's another thing. and another. it makes it hard to process. i don't know why and i don't even know where to start. i haven't blogged in awhile.

i guess i'll make a list. i'm really into lists these days.

heart vomit:

1. this is my first spring on campus since the accident my freshman year. i didn't think it would be as hard as it's been, but to be honest, it's been rough. the littlest things bring it all back. the other day, someone mentioned taylathon coming up, and since the only other time i've experienced taylathon was right after the accident, my mind started racing. and the fact that the prayer chapel is being built right outside my dorm room window - every hammer and bulldozer reminds me. even the changing weather. it sends me right back to spring my freshman year. and it hurts. the other night, we had an all-campus worship service. about two songs in, i saw some old wingmates in front of us. and then i remembered that i was sitting in almost the exact same seat i sat in that awful night when we gathered. and waited. and in an instant, i was back there. it's hard for me to know how to deal with this, so i mostly bottle it inside. i feel bad for my friends who are around me when i get in these "somber moods." i don't feel like talking about it with anyone but my old wingmates, so i don't. it's sacred territory - both painful and precious. and it's been on my mind constantly.

2. i'm also realizing that i have 6 weeks left of my junior year. then comes the summer (and i have zero plans at this point - scary). and then - da da daaa! SENIOR FREAKING YEAR. i am terribly excited about living in an apartment and taking sweet classes and just... being a senior. but of course, my mind races beyond that and i get nervous.

3. i went down to miami for spring break with habitat. and holy cow, was that a sweet experience. i'll write more about that later. but really, i loved it so much more than i ever thought i would. we became a family of 55. i learned how to roof. me. blake bachman. roofing. 22 hours in a van with the same people. i never thought it could be such a beautiful experience. minus my brother breaking his leg. (ha- i'll write about it later, i promise.)

4. and lately, there's been some frustrating things in my life (which i'll spare the internet from). let's just say my journal and i have become well acquainted.

so yeah. if i've seemed distant (which i have been on this blog for sure - ha), then it's not your fault. it's me. trying to figure things out. look forward to a more upbeat post sometime soon? i'm keeping my eye out for the sun. i know it'll come.

sweet reunion.

2008-03-03T20:13:00.009-06:00

i was so excited when they honked at me, i ran!

it was a beautiful weekend of randomness...

and just being together again.

even though we're scattered throughout the US now, some with new jobs and boyfriends and grad school classes, it was so great reliving the old 1NE.. just for a few days. did my heart a lot of good.

a list.

2008-02-27T21:44:00.005-06:00

yes, a list. of exciting things on my horizon.

1. a solid and much needed night sleep tonight.
2. haircut tomorrow. (yeah, that's right. exciting.)
3. LOST tomorrow. (best part of my thursdays. usually. sounds lame. but it's partly the best because i get to hang out with ireland friends. aaand partly because it's OUT OF CONTROL AMAZING.)
4. finding out if me and my future apartment-mates make it into the NEW university apartments! (we find out via e-mail friday.)
5. the thing i am the very most excited for: DEAR OLD GRADUATED WINGMATES COMING BACK TO TAYLOR!!! i don't know if i could put enough exclamation points behind that statement to appropriately convey my excitement. so let's just go with the three. (i really hate unnecessary exclamation points. though i am probably more excited about this weekend than i have been of anything this entire year.) julia and sam and dace and abby. they're all coming back. and it just... warms my little heart! it's going to be grand. like the old days... well, for like 3 days. but yeah. i am so looking forward to the massive bear hug attacks that will take place friday morning at chapel. it's going to be terrific.
6. going home in 2 weeks. (much needed.)
7. SB08: HABITAT!
8. BASEBALL. MARCH 31: OPENING DAY AT BUSCH STADIUM. COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED.
9. my decision to be more intentional about spending "alone time." (sounds lame, but i'm going on two hours of sleep, so bear with me. basically, i've realized that i need to spend more time with my Lord, and by myself. i can't function without it. whether it's quiet time, journaling, collaging, reading, or just driving by myself... whatever. i'm excited about being deliberate in that.)

mm, i think that's probably enough to keep me excited for now. :)

sb08 = construction??

2008-02-20T22:17:00.009-06:00

yes. it's true. i'm going on a taylor spring break missions trip to miami... with HABITAT! and i'm so.stinking.excited. we just had our first meeting tonight. as i scanned the room of faces i've never seen or met... and the faces i just want to know at a deeper level... i just got energized! the potential excites me. i love any type of event or trip that involves a team working together to accomplish a common goal and to serve our God. it's going to stretch me (a missions trip in the US that doesn't involve working with kids... but does involve using a hammer and paintbrush...) can't wait!

a mess of a blog entry.

2008-02-11T20:04:00.000-06:00

i finally feel inspired to write. and like being vulnerable. so, with eyes near tears, sitting at a very public place (my dorm front desk)... here i go.

i've felt... hmm. i don't even know what word to use. lukewarm? weary? numbed? mentally/spiritually/emotionally out of it? i think i've done a fairly decent job at surpressing. hiding. and all the while, wondering what the heck is wrong with me. because i'm not myself.

i think i discovered part of my problem tonight.

my dear friend tracy (graduated last year) came back to taylor tonight. we went out for coffee. just talking with her... just sharing my heart... just hearing her share her heart... i am so blessed right now. (and dangerously close to tears - ha.) she shared with me how God is being faithful to her as she is taking great leaps of faith in her life. as she was talking, i could feel my heart being blessed. i can't even really describe the feeling. except that it made me feel alive. as cheesy as that sounds. and at that point, i realized something.

last year (well.. first semester last year), i went out multiple times a week with trace. we'd go to paynes. and we'd talk. she always asked me if i was in the word. she always asked me how the Lord was working in my life. even though i knew she would ask me, i was still caught off guard sometimes. i liked that, though. i needed that. and right now, i crave that.

i know it's important to talk... to write... to journal... to somehow express myself. but my "usual" friends i'd go to talk with are graduated or gone. and i haven't made an effort to set aside time to have coffee and talk with anyone else... not on a regular basis, anyway. i blame myself entirely. i also haven't been faithfully journaling. and my time in the word has been just "ok." that has to change. it all does.

i'm going to work on the whole talking thing. and being in the word more. but in the spirit of writing again, i need to get some things out in the open. a few of my "secrets," if you will.

1. i miss ireland. i'm tired of surpressing that because i think people will get annoyed when i talk about it. i miss the country, the culture, the community, the sea, the quiet times, the constant and intense beauty... i miss the independence and the times i'd sit on those massive rocks just watch the waves... just to be. i miss that more than i can say.
2. i miss laurel. i haven't talked or written about her in a long time. but that doesn't mean i don't think of her every day. my heart is healing. but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting at times. my lack of writing about her is rooted in my feeling like i should be "getting over" the whole situation... like i should finally be ok. and time is helping for sure. but sometimes something will remind me of her... and it just hurts.
3. i miss having those older, Godly influences in my life (i'm mainly referring to my 1ne girls who graduated last year). i know that graduating is inevitable :) but it still sucks. and i still feel that void.

i have more, but i think that's more than enough for one blog entry. (but you know - just typing those out is so freeing! i'm tired of holding those inside.)

so now that i've spewed emotions all over this little blog (which is really more for my sanity's sake than anything else), i think i know what i need to do.

1. write more.
2. more coffee dates.
3. dare to miss places and people even when it hurts. (not acknowleding them hurts even more, i think.)
4. sleep more.
5. spend more time alone.
6. spend more time in the word.
7. spend less time doing homework and more time scrapbooking or collaging or writing notes... you know - the therapeutic stuff. :)
8. drink more tea. seriously. it helps.

whew. i feel so much better.

ever felt like this?

2008-02-09T20:45:00.000-06:00

...yeah, me too.