Thursday, May 1, 2008

life goes on.

isn't it strange how life goes on?  it doesn't stop when you hurt.  it doesn't stop when you leave.  it just goes on, dammit.
i just got out of my first class this week.  today is THURSDAY.  that just goes to show how far behind i am now.  teachers have been great, but that doesn't make the load less.  i just made my to do list.  it took two whole post-it notes - i had to connect them in the middle.  it was so depressing, i almost cried right in the middle of digital photo 1 class.
i got back to campus at 10:00 last night.  my closer friends were sweet and hugged me and told me they'd been praying.  but as a whole, campus was campus.  the union was hopping with laughter and energy.  i felt out of place.  like a walking zombie.  i was reentering the collegiate life after several hard days that grew me up.  
friday was one of the hardest days i can remember.  i awoke to the phone call from my mom.  "blake, honey...  mop is in heaven now.  i wanted to let you know."  what's ironic is that friday was grandparent's day at taylor.  and my other grandma was visiting.  so i had to kind of put on this happy face...  all day.  i felt like i was going to burst.  it's an awful feeling.  then when they left, i did.  what sucks is that there is no good place to cry on this campus.  sometimes all my heart needs is a good cry.  so literally the second they pulled away from campus, the tears welled up...  i climbed the outside staircase of olson hall and just sat.  i clung to the railing for awhile and sobbed.  and prayed.  and let it all out.  in a strange way, it was beautiful.  i felt like God was holding me in the palm of his hand, while i just cried and cried.
saturday was one of the best days i can remember.  yes, it was the 2 year anniversary of the accident.  but considering that last year, i was in ireland, essentially alone in my remembrance...  it was a beautiful contrast.  i was surrounded with my 1st north girls.  abby even flew in from california.  it was a sweet time that did my heart so much good.  God really knows when we need community, huh?  the sorrow of that day was overshadowed by the sharing of sweet memories and of just being.  i think i laugh the hardest when i'm with those precious girls.  God provided me the love and hugs and laughter i needed.  a hand would squeeze mine just when i needed it.  an arm would wrap around my shoulder when my mind started to drift to the next few days that would ensue.  we were definitely on the same page emotionally.  (thanks, God.  you know what you're doing.)
sunday-tuesday was a whirlwind of e-mailing profs, getting work subs, driving home, and helping prepare.  i ended up speaking at mop's funeral.  i decided about 11pm the night before.  although it was one of the hardest things i've done, i am so glad i did it.  my mom and uncle gave the eulogy, but there was a small part missing and that was what this woman meant to her 22 grandchildren.  a bunch of them came up to stand with me as i spoke on behalf of everyone.  (which i appreciated, because i almost lost it a couple times.)  i think she was honored.  and that's all i wanted to do.  she was a great grandmother who loved us all more than life itself.
and now i'm back at school.  with 14 days left.  i have absolutely no idea how that happened.  but i know God will pull me through.  even if i don't get sleep.  he'll take care of me.  i have no reason to doubt.  
and life will go on, right?


The Boojes said...

Thanks for sharing, Blakie. Man, I wish I'd gone to the funeral! I'll keep praying for you and look forward to seeing you when you come back...because you ARE coming back here for the summer, right?

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小小彬 said...