Friday, May 30, 2008

the present.

as hilarious as this may sound, LOST has got me thinking. yes, the tv show.

the flash forwards are brilliant. i can't even begin to fathom how the writers manage to make it flow so seamlessly, keeping us guessing, speculating, intrigued. they clue us in on the future... then give us puzzle pieces to figure out how it happens.

last night, in the season finale, i found myself anxious as i watched (i'm a LOST nerd, yes), but i knew "the oceanic six" who would make it off the island, thanks to the flash forwards. i'd "seen the future" so i wasn't nervous for them. the flipside of this: in the episode before the finale, when they showed sayid and his wife, nadia, i didn't get attached to her character because i knew from the flash forwards that nadia would die soon.

what if we could flash forward in real life? i think i'd hate it. i'd start to plan my life based on what i knew would happen. perhaps i'd get too comfortable with the way things were and give up dreams because i knew how it would end up. honestly, that's a terrifying thought.

i have no idea what i'm going to do a year from now, when i'm all graduated. i mean, i could be an intern with the st. louis cardinals or i could be writing for relevant magazine or i could be a starbucks barista... here or perhaps... in ireland? haha. i know i'm going to have to worry about that soon, but for now, it's kind of exciting not having a clue what will come next. i don't normally like that feeling, but for some reason, it's oddly exciting to me.

i thank God we can't flash forward in real life. i don't want to know who i'm going to marry, how many kids i'm going to have, what career i'll end up with... not yet. i'm really ok with the present, being blake the college kid. i see all these facebook albums and relationship status updates... people my age, and younger, are getting married. yikes? i'm not ready for all that just yet. and that's really ok.

Monday, May 26, 2008

little things.

at the risk of sounding terribly trite and cheesy, i'm throwing it out there. it really is the little things that make me so glad to be home, so glad to be here, so glad to be living.

it's sitting on our front porch swing, being still, breathing deep, watching the brilliant thunderstorm roll in... appreciating.

it's driving a block farther, then looping around so i can listen to the rest of coldplay's "fix you," just so it ends perfectly as i'm pulling in the driveway.

it's watching youtube videos with mary kate shields. enough said.

these are silly little luxuries. but they're what make me smile, what put that little bounce in my step. at school last year, i often found myself just trying to get by. it was a vicious cycle of living deadline to deadline. though i definitely had some great times (and i don't mean to downplay those in any way), that's really no way to live. i was drained. praise God for a summer in st. louis. i'm beginning to feel refreshed.

Friday, May 23, 2008

mm, random.

since i'm just chilling at bread co, i decided to take advantage of the fact that i have wireless. blogging time!
randomness of my life this week:
i had high hopes of breaking my horrible caffeine addiction this summer. it's not going so well thus far. i'm thinking i should try to be a little less drastic?
work is good. i forgot how nerdy i am... i adore playing around with and editing newsletters.
i went to the doctor today. apparently, i have allergies. my throat is swollen and i'm not sick. and i sneeze allll the time. woohoo drugs.
i went to the wilco concert last saturday and sat in the 21+ section. in one word? heaven.

ok that's it for now.
ps. i love being home. :)

Monday, May 19, 2008


i hate referring to my life or to school as "a whirlwind." i don't like the way that sounds... or feels. whirlwind. maybe it's because it makes me realize how fleeting life really is? anyway, i really can't think of a better term to describe life since i last wrote.

it's hard to remember all that happened. mostly, it was me struggling to keep my head above water. ever since the funeral, i've been playing catch up with school. (it's not a fun game; i wouldn't recommend it.) and then came dead week (which nearly killed me) and finals week. but SURPRISE - God is faithful. i somehow made it through and it looks like all my grades and assignments are accounted for. that is not by my own doing, friends. there are so many nights i can't believe i didn't fall asleep at my computer and so many mornings i'm shocked i didn't sleep through my alarm (which i'm known for doing). God is good.

so the last two weeks happened. and now i'm back in the lou. and honestly, i'm glad. i had a hard time coming home freshman year because i adored school and my wing (and after the accident, i just didn't want to be scattered all across the US). then last year... ireland. basically, no part of me wanted to return to US soil. but this year? i'm really ok with closing the chapter of my life known as "junior year." i had some great times, made some wonderful friends, and took some sweet classes that have sharpened my mind and softened my heart. but... it was a hard year. and it's just nice to have a breather, i guess.

so. summer 08. working part time at church again, part time nannying (hopefully?), and... taking a break from this freaking whirlwind. (i'll worry about senior year later.)

Thursday, May 1, 2008

life goes on.

isn't it strange how life goes on?  it doesn't stop when you hurt.  it doesn't stop when you leave.  it just goes on, dammit.
i just got out of my first class this week.  today is THURSDAY.  that just goes to show how far behind i am now.  teachers have been great, but that doesn't make the load less.  i just made my to do list.  it took two whole post-it notes - i had to connect them in the middle.  it was so depressing, i almost cried right in the middle of digital photo 1 class.
i got back to campus at 10:00 last night.  my closer friends were sweet and hugged me and told me they'd been praying.  but as a whole, campus was campus.  the union was hopping with laughter and energy.  i felt out of place.  like a walking zombie.  i was reentering the collegiate life after several hard days that grew me up.  
friday was one of the hardest days i can remember.  i awoke to the phone call from my mom.  "blake, honey...  mop is in heaven now.  i wanted to let you know."  what's ironic is that friday was grandparent's day at taylor.  and my other grandma was visiting.  so i had to kind of put on this happy face...  all day.  i felt like i was going to burst.  it's an awful feeling.  then when they left, i did.  what sucks is that there is no good place to cry on this campus.  sometimes all my heart needs is a good cry.  so literally the second they pulled away from campus, the tears welled up...  i climbed the outside staircase of olson hall and just sat.  i clung to the railing for awhile and sobbed.  and prayed.  and let it all out.  in a strange way, it was beautiful.  i felt like God was holding me in the palm of his hand, while i just cried and cried.
saturday was one of the best days i can remember.  yes, it was the 2 year anniversary of the accident.  but considering that last year, i was in ireland, essentially alone in my remembrance...  it was a beautiful contrast.  i was surrounded with my 1st north girls.  abby even flew in from california.  it was a sweet time that did my heart so much good.  God really knows when we need community, huh?  the sorrow of that day was overshadowed by the sharing of sweet memories and of just being.  i think i laugh the hardest when i'm with those precious girls.  God provided me the love and hugs and laughter i needed.  a hand would squeeze mine just when i needed it.  an arm would wrap around my shoulder when my mind started to drift to the next few days that would ensue.  we were definitely on the same page emotionally.  (thanks, God.  you know what you're doing.)
sunday-tuesday was a whirlwind of e-mailing profs, getting work subs, driving home, and helping prepare.  i ended up speaking at mop's funeral.  i decided about 11pm the night before.  although it was one of the hardest things i've done, i am so glad i did it.  my mom and uncle gave the eulogy, but there was a small part missing and that was what this woman meant to her 22 grandchildren.  a bunch of them came up to stand with me as i spoke on behalf of everyone.  (which i appreciated, because i almost lost it a couple times.)  i think she was honored.  and that's all i wanted to do.  she was a great grandmother who loved us all more than life itself.
and now i'm back at school.  with 14 days left.  i have absolutely no idea how that happened.  but i know God will pull me through.  even if i don't get sleep.  he'll take care of me.  i have no reason to doubt.  
and life will go on, right?