Monday, February 11, 2008

a mess of a blog entry.

i finally feel inspired to write. and like being vulnerable. so, with eyes near tears, sitting at a very public place (my dorm front desk)... here i go.

i've felt... hmm. i don't even know what word to use. lukewarm? weary? numbed? mentally/spiritually/emotionally out of it? i think i've done a fairly decent job at surpressing. hiding. and all the while, wondering what the heck is wrong with me. because i'm not myself.

i think i discovered part of my problem tonight.

my dear friend tracy (graduated last year) came back to taylor tonight. we went out for coffee. just talking with her... just sharing my heart... just hearing her share her heart... i am so blessed right now. (and dangerously close to tears - ha.) she shared with me how God is being faithful to her as she is taking great leaps of faith in her life. as she was talking, i could feel my heart being blessed. i can't even really describe the feeling. except that it made me feel alive. as cheesy as that sounds. and at that point, i realized something.

last year (well.. first semester last year), i went out multiple times a week with trace. we'd go to paynes. and we'd talk. she always asked me if i was in the word. she always asked me how the Lord was working in my life. even though i knew she would ask me, i was still caught off guard sometimes. i liked that, though. i needed that. and right now, i crave that.

i know it's important to talk... to write... to journal... to somehow express myself. but my "usual" friends i'd go to talk with are graduated or gone. and i haven't made an effort to set aside time to have coffee and talk with anyone else... not on a regular basis, anyway. i blame myself entirely. i also haven't been faithfully journaling. and my time in the word has been just "ok." that has to change. it all does.

i'm going to work on the whole talking thing. and being in the word more. but in the spirit of writing again, i need to get some things out in the open. a few of my "secrets," if you will.

1. i miss ireland. i'm tired of surpressing that because i think people will get annoyed when i talk about it. i miss the country, the culture, the community, the sea, the quiet times, the constant and intense beauty... i miss the independence and the times i'd sit on those massive rocks just watch the waves... just to be. i miss that more than i can say.
2. i miss laurel. i haven't talked or written about her in a long time. but that doesn't mean i don't think of her every day. my heart is healing. but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting at times. my lack of writing about her is rooted in my feeling like i should be "getting over" the whole situation... like i should finally be ok. and time is helping for sure. but sometimes something will remind me of her... and it just hurts.
3. i miss having those older, Godly influences in my life (i'm mainly referring to my 1ne girls who graduated last year). i know that graduating is inevitable :) but it still sucks. and i still feel that void.

i have more, but i think that's more than enough for one blog entry. (but you know - just typing those out is so freeing! i'm tired of holding those inside.)

so now that i've spewed emotions all over this little blog (which is really more for my sanity's sake than anything else), i think i know what i need to do.

1. write more.
2. more coffee dates.
3. dare to miss places and people even when it hurts. (not acknowleding them hurts even more, i think.)
4. sleep more.
5. spend more time alone.
6. spend more time in the word.
7. spend less time doing homework and more time scrapbooking or collaging or writing notes... you know - the therapeutic stuff. :)
8. drink more tea. seriously. it helps.

whew. i feel so much better.


Dacia said...

I miss Laurel, and think about her everyday too. I know what you mean-- there's no one to talk to about it.

And I miss Ireland. Thanks for sharing, Blakers. You can always give me a call if you want to spew more emotions. :)

Karoline said...

oh Blake. I loved this post. seriously. I know what you mean about not writing about Laurel anymore. It was the same with me. But I still miss her. Everyday. And I feel like if i EVER say anything, people will get annoyed. So I've stopped talking.

AND. if you want to talk about Ireland. TELL ME. I know I don't really know about it, but I LOVE to hear about other countries and experiences there.

um. basically. I LOVE YOU.