dearest mop.

early this morning, my sweet grandma met Jesus.  she had a stroke last week and wasn't getting better, so we tried to prepare ourselves for this.  but i wasn't, really, to be honest.  i don't think you can ever prepare yourself for the phone call.  

the thought of never seeing her again breaks my heart.  some of my favorite childhood memories happened with mop and pop at their big, beautiful house on 120 plant avenue.  memories like making mickey mouse waffles on saturday mornings (after a slumber party with the grandkids the night before, of course); making secret tents out of bedsheets, scotch tape, and furniture; playing tetris and monopoly on mop's computer (in the early 90's, baby!); sleigh riding on their little hill behind the house...  i could go on for hours.  

but you know, as hard as it is...  she's free.  free from all her earthly suffering and pain.  free from physical limitations.  free to dance with Jesus.  (and that makes me jealous.)

last night, i couldn't sleep.  i never have problems sleeping; that's one thing i'm pretty darn good at.  but not last night.  i was wide awake between 2-5.30 am.  you know what's weird?  mop entered eternity at 1.20 am (2.20 my time).  i had no idea why i couldn't sleep, and i was so tired, it was annoying me.  so i prayed.  for her.  for my mom.  for my family.  and then i counted sheep.  still wide awake - something wouldn't let me drift off.  i somehow knew?  it sounds weird, but something in my heart knew...  without me really knowing.  (if that makes sense?)  my mom commented this morning how at peace she was when she left...  and how it happened at 1.20 am, which was fitting since she lived on 120 plant avenue for all those years.  i know that's probably a silly little coincidence.  but those are the things we cling to, right?  it brings me back to the beautiful memories.

so mop, you're in heaven now.  reunited with pop.  you finally made it.  and you are finally free. 

love always, your favorite, most beautiful and modest grandchild,  (how i used to sign all my cards to her)  :)

blake

growth.

i'm at paynes right now, sipping a foamy double caramel latte (from a mug - it's all about the mug - am i right?).  i came here with the intention of getting homework done.  then... got distracted.  i've spent the last half hour perusing my friend's blogs which i haven't looked at in weeks...  and then i went back and reread some of mine from this year.  i realized a bit of a theme.

first, if you've read from this blog at all in the past few months, you know that this year has not been an easy one.  it's been hard for many reasons.  a few of those: re-entering taylor after a beautiful semester abroad, switching wings, missing old friends, a rough classload (first semester), beginning to deal with some grief, spreading myself thin, dealing with "being homeless" all january from the flood (which really affected me more than i thought it would - it was hard being uprooted for so long; not having a real place to call my own), and just being drained - emotionally and spiritually...  even physically.  i haven't gotten a whole lot of sleep this year.  those may seem like smaller things individually, but they stack up.

i hate that this entry is all about me, but i guess this is my blog afterall.  i think this is worth noting.  you know what pattern i've been seeing?  

it seems this whole year has been one big growth experience.

even though it's been considerably harder than any of my other years here, i'm seeing that it's been good.  i can say that confidently because i know God's been working in my heart.  he's been molding it...  it's hurt, but i think that's because it's been bent a little out of shape...  in a good way.  i can feel the growth.  the Lord has changed some of what my heart aches for.  he's pushed me and stretched me in various circumstances - he's given me boldness where i would have hid before.  he's stretched me beyond what i used to be able to handle.  but he's also held out his hand when i just couldn't do it anymore.  he's held me when i had to get away from people and just cry out to him and just abide in him.

so.  all of that to say.  this year has by no means been a waste.  i never thought it was...  not completely...  but i'll be honest.  the thought has crossed my mind a few times: "what the heck and i doing here?"  am i even happy?  at times, i just felt so drained.  but God does not allow us to go through trials without growth.  and thankfully, as i'm nearing the end of this year, i'm beginning to see that.

thank you, abba father, for revealing yourself to me and proving yourself faithful time after time after time.  and thank you for growth.  you dream bigger dreams than i do.  and you knew i needed this time of personal growth.  so thank you for providing it.  help me to make the most of the rest of this year.  amen. 

heart vomit.

i don't think i've ever had so much on my mind that i can't express it.  too many thoughts and not near enough words.  i'll attempt an entry anyway.  for my sanity's sake.

 i've had so much on my heart and mind lately that i feel ADD.  as soon as i think about one thing, there's another thing.  and another.  it makes it hard to process.  i don't know why and i don't even know where to start.  i haven't blogged in awhile.

i guess i'll make a list.  i'm really into lists these days.

heart vomit:

1.  this is my first spring on campus since the accident my freshman year.  i didn't think it would be as hard as it's been, but to be honest, it's been rough.  the littlest things bring it all back.  the other day, someone mentioned taylathon coming up, and since the only other time i've experienced taylathon was right after the accident, my mind started racing.  and the fact that the prayer chapel is being built right outside my dorm room window - every hammer and bulldozer reminds me.  even the changing weather.  it sends me right back to spring my freshman year.  and it hurts.  the other night, we had an all-campus worship service.  about two songs in, i saw some old wingmates in front of us.  and then i remembered that i was sitting in almost the exact same seat i sat in that awful night when we gathered.  and waited.  and in an instant, i was back there.  it's hard for me to know how to deal with this, so i mostly bottle it inside.  i feel bad for my friends who are around me when i get in these "somber moods."  i don't feel like talking about it with anyone but my old wingmates, so i don't.  it's sacred territory - both painful and precious.  and it's been on my mind constantly.

2.  i'm also realizing that i have 6 weeks left of my junior year.  then comes the summer (and i have zero plans at this point - scary).  and then - da da daaa!  SENIOR FREAKING YEAR.  i am terribly excited about living in an apartment and taking sweet classes and just... being a senior.  but of course, my mind races beyond that and i get nervous.

3.  i went down to miami for spring break with habitat.  and holy cow, was that a sweet experience.  i'll write more about that later.  but really, i loved it so much more than i ever thought i would.  we became a family of 55.  i learned how to roof.  me.  blake bachman.  roofing.  22 hours in a van with the same people.  i never thought it could be such a beautiful experience.  minus my brother breaking his leg.  (ha- i'll write about it later, i promise.)

4.  and lately, there's been some frustrating things in my life (which i'll spare the internet from).  let's just say my journal and i have become well acquainted.

so yeah.  if i've seemed distant (which i have been on this blog for sure - ha), then it's not your fault.  it's me.  trying to figure things out.  look forward to a more upbeat post sometime soon?  i'm keeping my eye out for the sun.  i know it'll come.