Wednesday, April 2, 2008

heart vomit.

i don't think i've ever had so much on my mind that i can't express it.  too many thoughts and not near enough words.  i'll attempt an entry anyway.  for my sanity's sake.
 i've had so much on my heart and mind lately that i feel ADD.  as soon as i think about one thing, there's another thing.  and another.  it makes it hard to process.  i don't know why and i don't even know where to start.  i haven't blogged in awhile.
i guess i'll make a list.  i'm really into lists these days.
heart vomit:
1.  this is my first spring on campus since the accident my freshman year.  i didn't think it would be as hard as it's been, but to be honest, it's been rough.  the littlest things bring it all back.  the other day, someone mentioned taylathon coming up, and since the only other time i've experienced taylathon was right after the accident, my mind started racing.  and the fact that the prayer chapel is being built right outside my dorm room window - every hammer and bulldozer reminds me.  even the changing weather.  it sends me right back to spring my freshman year.  and it hurts.  the other night, we had an all-campus worship service.  about two songs in, i saw some old wingmates in front of us.  and then i remembered that i was sitting in almost the exact same seat i sat in that awful night when we gathered.  and waited.  and in an instant, i was back there.  it's hard for me to know how to deal with this, so i mostly bottle it inside.  i feel bad for my friends who are around me when i get in these "somber moods."  i don't feel like talking about it with anyone but my old wingmates, so i don't.  it's sacred territory - both painful and precious.  and it's been on my mind constantly.
2.  i'm also realizing that i have 6 weeks left of my junior year.  then comes the summer (and i have zero plans at this point - scary).  and then - da da daaa!  SENIOR FREAKING YEAR.  i am terribly excited about living in an apartment and taking sweet classes and just... being a senior.  but of course, my mind races beyond that and i get nervous.
3.  i went down to miami for spring break with habitat.  and holy cow, was that a sweet experience.  i'll write more about that later.  but really, i loved it so much more than i ever thought i would.  we became a family of 55.  i learned how to roof.  me.  blake bachman.  roofing.  22 hours in a van with the same people.  i never thought it could be such a beautiful experience.  minus my brother breaking his leg.  (ha- i'll write about it later, i promise.)
4.  and lately, there's been some frustrating things in my life (which i'll spare the internet from).  let's just say my journal and i have become well acquainted.
so yeah.  if i've seemed distant (which i have been on this blog for sure - ha), then it's not your fault.  it's me.  trying to figure things out.  look forward to a more upbeat post sometime soon?  i'm keeping my eye out for the sun.  i know it'll come.

1 comment:

The Boojes said...

Thanks for posting...I've missed you. Press on, my friend, and I'll be praying!