growth.

i'm at paynes right now, sipping a foamy double caramel latte (from a mug - it's all about the mug - am i right?).  i came here with the intention of getting homework done.  then... got distracted.  i've spent the last half hour perusing my friend's blogs which i haven't looked at in weeks...  and then i went back and reread some of mine from this year.  i realized a bit of a theme.

first, if you've read from this blog at all in the past few months, you know that this year has not been an easy one.  it's been hard for many reasons.  a few of those: re-entering taylor after a beautiful semester abroad, switching wings, missing old friends, a rough classload (first semester), beginning to deal with some grief, spreading myself thin, dealing with "being homeless" all january from the flood (which really affected me more than i thought it would - it was hard being uprooted for so long; not having a real place to call my own), and just being drained - emotionally and spiritually...  even physically.  i haven't gotten a whole lot of sleep this year.  those may seem like smaller things individually, but they stack up.

i hate that this entry is all about me, but i guess this is my blog afterall.  i think this is worth noting.  you know what pattern i've been seeing?  

it seems this whole year has been one big growth experience.

even though it's been considerably harder than any of my other years here, i'm seeing that it's been good.  i can say that confidently because i know God's been working in my heart.  he's been molding it...  it's hurt, but i think that's because it's been bent a little out of shape...  in a good way.  i can feel the growth.  the Lord has changed some of what my heart aches for.  he's pushed me and stretched me in various circumstances - he's given me boldness where i would have hid before.  he's stretched me beyond what i used to be able to handle.  but he's also held out his hand when i just couldn't do it anymore.  he's held me when i had to get away from people and just cry out to him and just abide in him.

so.  all of that to say.  this year has by no means been a waste.  i never thought it was...  not completely...  but i'll be honest.  the thought has crossed my mind a few times: "what the heck and i doing here?"  am i even happy?  at times, i just felt so drained.  but God does not allow us to go through trials without growth.  and thankfully, as i'm nearing the end of this year, i'm beginning to see that.

thank you, abba father, for revealing yourself to me and proving yourself faithful time after time after time.  and thank you for growth.  you dream bigger dreams than i do.  and you knew i needed this time of personal growth.  so thank you for providing it.  help me to make the most of the rest of this year.  amen.