Monday, June 1, 2009

Could you kindly point me in the direction of this "next step"? Ok, thanks.

I tend to make music mixes... often. Regardless of my emotional state, music makes me feel alive. "It'sabeautifulday,whydon'twerollthewindowsdown?" mixes and "ijustgraduatedcollegeandamfeelingsofreakingdepressed" mixes... I have what you might call an overabundance of playlists and folders in my itunes for very specific emotions or people. It's sick. Perhaps it's time for a little spring cleaning.

Anyway. Lately, I've been listening to some rather melancholy tune-age, kind of bordering on inspiring and bittersweet... if you know what I mean. I guess I'm just missing people and places and things and lifethewayitusedtobe. The music helps. Something new and sweet and beautiful will come along eventually, right? (I hope?) In the meantime, I've been escaping to coffee shops... daily. The solitude helps. So does the coffee.

This job search thing is harder than I anticipated. I've been looking all semester, but after being home for a week, I'm discovering what patience really means. (It sucks.) And now I'm applying for grad school?? I must be crazy. But I can't get Mars Hill out of my head. I know I don't have the money, but I've just decided to apply and see what happens. I talked to the Admissions Director on the phone today. When she asked where I was from again, I responded, "St. Louis." She coughed a little and said "Oh my gosh, that's so weird..." She was drinking coffee from a St. Louis mug with a little picture of the arch on it. She said she never used that mug. (Cue creepy sound effect.) Probably a total coincidence, right? Right. But it was enough to make me secretly hope it was God. If I go to Mars Hill, it will be ALL because of God. It's so doubtful, and I'm trying not to get any hopes up... at all... but if I don't apply, I'll never know. Worst case scenerio, I lose $50.

It's hard to be in this in-between stage of life. I am beyond Taylor. I miss it, but I know it's right and good and healthy to not be there anymore... to take the proverbial "next step." But I can't seem to find the stupid step. So I'm standing on one foot, wobbling as I squint (through the darkness, of course)... there are possible steps, but none are close enough or solid enough to step down on. So I'm in this strange sort of limbo... living at home, applying to places, waiting to hear, following up, maintaining my sanity, applying for grad school in SEATTLE (??).

I have to keep reminding myself I'm only a week into post-grad life. It seems like so much longer than 7 days...


The Boojes said...

Press on, Blakie! Have you ever been to Nadoz, across from the Galleria? If you're coffee-shop hopping, you might want to give it a try. =)

And I'd love to see you. Or (and!) have you babysit Peter sometime. But I probably can't afford your college-degree rate. =P

I'll be praying for you and look forward to seeing where God leads you...Seattle or otherwise!

mkr said...

Several things...
1. An official congrats on your graduation. I yelled only for three people out of the 450+ and you were one that I hooted and hollered at. You're pretty special.
2. This unknown next step is normal-You're in the same boat as many people, so be comforted by that. However, after just completing grad school myself I highly recommend it. I loved it (maybe not the 60pg paper I had to write) and wouldn't trade that time in. I'm fully supporting you in that Mars Hill application process! Go get'em!
3. That book that you have posted on the side - Grams and Gramps Brantley gave that to me two years ago when I went to visit during Christmas. It's pretty good.

I guess that's it. I always enjoy hearing/reading updates about your life. :) Adios for now.