I tend to make music mixes... often. Regardless of my emotional state, music makes me feel alive. "It'sabeautifulday,whydon'twerollthewindowsdown?" mixes and "ijustgraduatedcollegeandamfeelingsofreakingdepressed" mixes... I have what you might call an overabundance of playlists and folders in my itunes for very specific emotions or people. It's sick. Perhaps it's time for a little spring cleaning.
Anyway. Lately, I've been listening to some rather melancholy tune-age, kind of bordering on inspiring and bittersweet... if you know what I mean. I guess I'm just missing people and places and things and lifethewayitusedtobe. The music helps. Something new and sweet and beautiful will come along eventually, right? (I hope?) In the meantime, I've been escaping to coffee shops... daily. The solitude helps. So does the coffee.
This job search thing is harder than I anticipated. I've been looking all semester, but after being home for a week, I'm discovering what patience really means. (It sucks.) And now I'm applying for grad school?? I must be crazy. But I can't get Mars Hill out of my head. I know I don't have the money, but I've just decided to apply and see what happens. I talked to the Admissions Director on the phone today. When she asked where I was from again, I responded, "St. Louis." She coughed a little and said "Oh my gosh, that's so weird..." She was drinking coffee from a St. Louis mug with a little picture of the arch on it. She said she never used that mug. (Cue creepy sound effect.) Probably a total coincidence, right? Right. But it was enough to make me secretly hope it was God. If I go to Mars Hill, it will be ALL because of God. It's so doubtful, and I'm trying not to get any hopes up... at all... but if I don't apply, I'll never know. Worst case scenerio, I lose $50.
It's hard to be in this in-between stage of life. I am beyond Taylor. I miss it, but I know it's right and good and healthy to not be there anymore... to take the proverbial "next step." But I can't seem to find the stupid step. So I'm standing on one foot, wobbling as I squint (through the darkness, of course)... there are possible steps, but none are close enough or solid enough to step down on. So I'm in this strange sort of limbo... living at home, applying to places, waiting to hear, following up, maintaining my sanity, applying for grad school in SEATTLE (??).
I have to keep reminding myself I'm only a week into post-grad life. It seems like so much longer than 7 days...