the present.

as hilarious as this may sound, LOST has got me thinking. yes, the tv show.

the flash forwards are brilliant. i can't even begin to fathom how the writers manage to make it flow so seamlessly, keeping us guessing, speculating, intrigued. they clue us in on the future... then give us puzzle pieces to figure out how it happens.

last night, in the season finale, i found myself anxious as i watched (i'm a LOST nerd, yes), but i knew "the oceanic six" who would make it off the island, thanks to the flash forwards. i'd "seen the future" so i wasn't nervous for them. the flipside of this: in the episode before the finale, when they showed sayid and his wife, nadia, i didn't get attached to her character because i knew from the flash forwards that nadia would die soon.

what if we could flash forward in real life? i think i'd hate it. i'd start to plan my life based on what i knew would happen. perhaps i'd get too comfortable with the way things were and give up dreams because i knew how it would end up. honestly, that's a terrifying thought.

i have no idea what i'm going to do a year from now, when i'm all graduated. i mean, i could be an intern with the st. louis cardinals or i could be writing for relevant magazine or i could be a starbucks barista... here or perhaps... in ireland? haha. i know i'm going to have to worry about that soon, but for now, it's kind of exciting not having a clue what will come next. i don't normally like that feeling, but for some reason, it's oddly exciting to me.

i thank God we can't flash forward in real life. i don't want to know who i'm going to marry, how many kids i'm going to have, what career i'll end up with... not yet. i'm really ok with the present, being blake the college kid. i see all these facebook albums and relationship status updates... people my age, and younger, are getting married. yikes? i'm not ready for all that just yet. and that's really ok.

little things.

at the risk of sounding terribly trite and cheesy, i'm throwing it out there. it really is the little things that make me so glad to be home, so glad to be here, so glad to be living.

it's sitting on our front porch swing, being still, breathing deep, watching the brilliant thunderstorm roll in... appreciating.

it's driving a block farther, then looping around so i can listen to the rest of coldplay's "fix you," just so it ends perfectly as i'm pulling in the driveway.

it's watching youtube videos with mary kate shields. enough said.

these are silly little luxuries. but they're what make me smile, what put that little bounce in my step. at school last year, i often found myself just trying to get by. it was a vicious cycle of living deadline to deadline. though i definitely had some great times (and i don't mean to downplay those in any way), that's really no way to live. i was drained. praise God for a summer in st. louis. i'm beginning to feel refreshed.

mm, random.

since i'm just chilling at bread co, i decided to take advantage of the fact that i have wireless. blogging time!
randomness of my life this week:
i had high hopes of breaking my horrible caffeine addiction this summer. it's not going so well thus far. i'm thinking i should try to be a little less drastic?

work is good. i forgot how nerdy i am... i adore playing around with and editing newsletters.

i went to the doctor today. apparently, i have allergies. my throat is swollen and i'm not sick. and i sneeze allll the time. woohoo drugs.

i went to the wilco concert last saturday and sat in the 21+ section. in one word? heaven.

ok that's it for now.

ps. i love being home. :)

whirlwind?

i hate referring to my life or to school as "a whirlwind." i don't like the way that sounds... or feels. whirlwind. maybe it's because it makes me realize how fleeting life really is? anyway, i really can't think of a better term to describe life since i last wrote.

it's hard to remember all that happened. mostly, it was me struggling to keep my head above water. ever since the funeral, i've been playing catch up with school. (it's not a fun game; i wouldn't recommend it.) and then came dead week (which nearly killed me) and finals week. but SURPRISE - God is faithful. i somehow made it through and it looks like all my grades and assignments are accounted for. that is not by my own doing, friends. there are so many nights i can't believe i didn't fall asleep at my computer and so many mornings i'm shocked i didn't sleep through my alarm (which i'm known for doing). God is good.

so the last two weeks happened. and now i'm back in the lou. and honestly, i'm glad. i had a hard time coming home freshman year because i adored school and my wing (and after the accident, i just didn't want to be scattered all across the US). then last year... ireland. basically, no part of me wanted to return to US soil. but this year? i'm really ok with closing the chapter of my life known as "junior year." i had some great times, made some wonderful friends, and took some sweet classes that have sharpened my mind and softened my heart. but... it was a hard year. and it's just nice to have a breather, i guess.

so. summer 08. working part time at church again, part time nannying (hopefully?), and... taking a break from this freaking whirlwind. (i'll worry about senior year later.)

life goes on.

isn't it strange how life goes on?  it doesn't stop when you hurt.  it doesn't stop when you leave.  it just goes on, dammit.

i just got out of my first class this week.  today is THURSDAY.  that just goes to show how far behind i am now.  teachers have been great, but that doesn't make the load less.  i just made my to do list.  it took two whole post-it notes - i had to connect them in the middle.  it was so depressing, i almost cried right in the middle of digital photo 1 class.

i got back to campus at 10:00 last night.  my closer friends were sweet and hugged me and told me they'd been praying.  but as a whole, campus was campus.  the union was hopping with laughter and energy.  i felt out of place.  like a walking zombie.  i was reentering the collegiate life after several hard days that grew me up.  

friday was one of the hardest days i can remember.  i awoke to the phone call from my mom.  "blake, honey...  mop is in heaven now.  i wanted to let you know."  what's ironic is that friday was grandparent's day at taylor.  and my other grandma was visiting.  so i had to kind of put on this happy face...  all day.  i felt like i was going to burst.  it's an awful feeling.  then when they left, i did.  what sucks is that there is no good place to cry on this campus.  sometimes all my heart needs is a good cry.  so literally the second they pulled away from campus, the tears welled up...  i climbed the outside staircase of olson hall and just sat.  i clung to the railing for awhile and sobbed.  and prayed.  and let it all out.  in a strange way, it was beautiful.  i felt like God was holding me in the palm of his hand, while i just cried and cried.

saturday was one of the best days i can remember.  yes, it was the 2 year anniversary of the accident.  but considering that last year, i was in ireland, essentially alone in my remembrance...  it was a beautiful contrast.  i was surrounded with my 1st north girls.  abby even flew in from california.  it was a sweet time that did my heart so much good.  God really knows when we need community, huh?  the sorrow of that day was overshadowed by the sharing of sweet memories and of just being.  i think i laugh the hardest when i'm with those precious girls.  God provided me the love and hugs and laughter i needed.  a hand would squeeze mine just when i needed it.  an arm would wrap around my shoulder when my mind started to drift to the next few days that would ensue.  we were definitely on the same page emotionally.  (thanks, God.  you know what you're doing.)

sunday-tuesday was a whirlwind of e-mailing profs, getting work subs, driving home, and helping prepare.  i ended up speaking at mop's funeral.  i decided about 11pm the night before.  although it was one of the hardest things i've done, i am so glad i did it.  my mom and uncle gave the eulogy, but there was a small part missing and that was what this woman meant to her 22 grandchildren.  a bunch of them came up to stand with me as i spoke on behalf of everyone.  (which i appreciated, because i almost lost it a couple times.)  i think she was honored.  and that's all i wanted to do.  she was a great grandmother who loved us all more than life itself.

and now i'm back at school.  with 14 days left.  i have absolutely no idea how that happened.  but i know God will pull me through.  even if i don't get sleep.  he'll take care of me.  i have no reason to doubt.  

and life will go on, right?

dearest mop.

early this morning, my sweet grandma met Jesus.  she had a stroke last week and wasn't getting better, so we tried to prepare ourselves for this.  but i wasn't, really, to be honest.  i don't think you can ever prepare yourself for the phone call.  

the thought of never seeing her again breaks my heart.  some of my favorite childhood memories happened with mop and pop at their big, beautiful house on 120 plant avenue.  memories like making mickey mouse waffles on saturday mornings (after a slumber party with the grandkids the night before, of course); making secret tents out of bedsheets, scotch tape, and furniture; playing tetris and monopoly on mop's computer (in the early 90's, baby!); sleigh riding on their little hill behind the house...  i could go on for hours.  

but you know, as hard as it is...  she's free.  free from all her earthly suffering and pain.  free from physical limitations.  free to dance with Jesus.  (and that makes me jealous.)

last night, i couldn't sleep.  i never have problems sleeping; that's one thing i'm pretty darn good at.  but not last night.  i was wide awake between 2-5.30 am.  you know what's weird?  mop entered eternity at 1.20 am (2.20 my time).  i had no idea why i couldn't sleep, and i was so tired, it was annoying me.  so i prayed.  for her.  for my mom.  for my family.  and then i counted sheep.  still wide awake - something wouldn't let me drift off.  i somehow knew?  it sounds weird, but something in my heart knew...  without me really knowing.  (if that makes sense?)  my mom commented this morning how at peace she was when she left...  and how it happened at 1.20 am, which was fitting since she lived on 120 plant avenue for all those years.  i know that's probably a silly little coincidence.  but those are the things we cling to, right?  it brings me back to the beautiful memories.

so mop, you're in heaven now.  reunited with pop.  you finally made it.  and you are finally free. 

love always, your favorite, most beautiful and modest grandchild,  (how i used to sign all my cards to her)  :)

blake

growth.

i'm at paynes right now, sipping a foamy double caramel latte (from a mug - it's all about the mug - am i right?).  i came here with the intention of getting homework done.  then... got distracted.  i've spent the last half hour perusing my friend's blogs which i haven't looked at in weeks...  and then i went back and reread some of mine from this year.  i realized a bit of a theme.

first, if you've read from this blog at all in the past few months, you know that this year has not been an easy one.  it's been hard for many reasons.  a few of those: re-entering taylor after a beautiful semester abroad, switching wings, missing old friends, a rough classload (first semester), beginning to deal with some grief, spreading myself thin, dealing with "being homeless" all january from the flood (which really affected me more than i thought it would - it was hard being uprooted for so long; not having a real place to call my own), and just being drained - emotionally and spiritually...  even physically.  i haven't gotten a whole lot of sleep this year.  those may seem like smaller things individually, but they stack up.

i hate that this entry is all about me, but i guess this is my blog afterall.  i think this is worth noting.  you know what pattern i've been seeing?  

it seems this whole year has been one big growth experience.

even though it's been considerably harder than any of my other years here, i'm seeing that it's been good.  i can say that confidently because i know God's been working in my heart.  he's been molding it...  it's hurt, but i think that's because it's been bent a little out of shape...  in a good way.  i can feel the growth.  the Lord has changed some of what my heart aches for.  he's pushed me and stretched me in various circumstances - he's given me boldness where i would have hid before.  he's stretched me beyond what i used to be able to handle.  but he's also held out his hand when i just couldn't do it anymore.  he's held me when i had to get away from people and just cry out to him and just abide in him.

so.  all of that to say.  this year has by no means been a waste.  i never thought it was...  not completely...  but i'll be honest.  the thought has crossed my mind a few times: "what the heck and i doing here?"  am i even happy?  at times, i just felt so drained.  but God does not allow us to go through trials without growth.  and thankfully, as i'm nearing the end of this year, i'm beginning to see that.

thank you, abba father, for revealing yourself to me and proving yourself faithful time after time after time.  and thank you for growth.  you dream bigger dreams than i do.  and you knew i needed this time of personal growth.  so thank you for providing it.  help me to make the most of the rest of this year.  amen.