heart vomit.

i don't think i've ever had so much on my mind that i can't express it.  too many thoughts and not near enough words.  i'll attempt an entry anyway.  for my sanity's sake.

 i've had so much on my heart and mind lately that i feel ADD.  as soon as i think about one thing, there's another thing.  and another.  it makes it hard to process.  i don't know why and i don't even know where to start.  i haven't blogged in awhile.

i guess i'll make a list.  i'm really into lists these days.

heart vomit:

1.  this is my first spring on campus since the accident my freshman year.  i didn't think it would be as hard as it's been, but to be honest, it's been rough.  the littlest things bring it all back.  the other day, someone mentioned taylathon coming up, and since the only other time i've experienced taylathon was right after the accident, my mind started racing.  and the fact that the prayer chapel is being built right outside my dorm room window - every hammer and bulldozer reminds me.  even the changing weather.  it sends me right back to spring my freshman year.  and it hurts.  the other night, we had an all-campus worship service.  about two songs in, i saw some old wingmates in front of us.  and then i remembered that i was sitting in almost the exact same seat i sat in that awful night when we gathered.  and waited.  and in an instant, i was back there.  it's hard for me to know how to deal with this, so i mostly bottle it inside.  i feel bad for my friends who are around me when i get in these "somber moods."  i don't feel like talking about it with anyone but my old wingmates, so i don't.  it's sacred territory - both painful and precious.  and it's been on my mind constantly.

2.  i'm also realizing that i have 6 weeks left of my junior year.  then comes the summer (and i have zero plans at this point - scary).  and then - da da daaa!  SENIOR FREAKING YEAR.  i am terribly excited about living in an apartment and taking sweet classes and just... being a senior.  but of course, my mind races beyond that and i get nervous.

3.  i went down to miami for spring break with habitat.  and holy cow, was that a sweet experience.  i'll write more about that later.  but really, i loved it so much more than i ever thought i would.  we became a family of 55.  i learned how to roof.  me.  blake bachman.  roofing.  22 hours in a van with the same people.  i never thought it could be such a beautiful experience.  minus my brother breaking his leg.  (ha- i'll write about it later, i promise.)

4.  and lately, there's been some frustrating things in my life (which i'll spare the internet from).  let's just say my journal and i have become well acquainted.

so yeah.  if i've seemed distant (which i have been on this blog for sure - ha), then it's not your fault.  it's me.  trying to figure things out.  look forward to a more upbeat post sometime soon?  i'm keeping my eye out for the sun.  i know it'll come.

sweet reunion.

i was so excited when they honked at me, i ran!

it was a beautiful weekend of randomness...

and just being together again.

even though we're scattered throughout the US now, some with new jobs and boyfriends and grad school classes, it was so great reliving the old 1NE.. just for a few days. did my heart a lot of good.

a list.

yes, a list. of exciting things on my horizon.

1. a solid and much needed night sleep tonight.
2. haircut tomorrow. (yeah, that's right. exciting.)
3. LOST tomorrow. (best part of my thursdays. usually. sounds lame. but it's partly the best because i get to hang out with ireland friends. aaand partly because it's OUT OF CONTROL AMAZING.)
4. finding out if me and my future apartment-mates make it into the NEW university apartments! (we find out via e-mail friday.)
5. the thing i am the very most excited for: DEAR OLD GRADUATED WINGMATES COMING BACK TO TAYLOR!!! i don't know if i could put enough exclamation points behind that statement to appropriately convey my excitement. so let's just go with the three. (i really hate unnecessary exclamation points. though i am probably more excited about this weekend than i have been of anything this entire year.) julia and sam and dace and abby. they're all coming back. and it just... warms my little heart! it's going to be grand. like the old days... well, for like 3 days. but yeah. i am so looking forward to the massive bear hug attacks that will take place friday morning at chapel. it's going to be terrific.
6. going home in 2 weeks. (much needed.)
7. SB08: HABITAT!
8. BASEBALL. MARCH 31: OPENING DAY AT BUSCH STADIUM. COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED.
9. my decision to be more intentional about spending "alone time." (sounds lame, but i'm going on two hours of sleep, so bear with me. basically, i've realized that i need to spend more time with my Lord, and by myself. i can't function without it. whether it's quiet time, journaling, collaging, reading, or just driving by myself... whatever. i'm excited about being deliberate in that.)

mm, i think that's probably enough to keep me excited for now. :)

sb08 = construction??

yes. it's true. i'm going on a taylor spring break missions trip to miami... with HABITAT! and i'm so.stinking.excited. we just had our first meeting tonight. as i scanned the room of faces i've never seen or met... and the faces i just want to know at a deeper level... i just got energized! the potential excites me. i love any type of event or trip that involves a team working together to accomplish a common goal and to serve our God. it's going to stretch me (a missions trip in the US that doesn't involve working with kids... but does involve using a hammer and paintbrush...) can't wait!

a mess of a blog entry.

i finally feel inspired to write. and like being vulnerable. so, with eyes near tears, sitting at a very public place (my dorm front desk)... here i go.

i've felt... hmm. i don't even know what word to use. lukewarm? weary? numbed? mentally/spiritually/emotionally out of it? i think i've done a fairly decent job at surpressing. hiding. and all the while, wondering what the heck is wrong with me. because i'm not myself.

i think i discovered part of my problem tonight.

my dear friend tracy (graduated last year) came back to taylor tonight. we went out for coffee. just talking with her... just sharing my heart... just hearing her share her heart... i am so blessed right now. (and dangerously close to tears - ha.) she shared with me how God is being faithful to her as she is taking great leaps of faith in her life. as she was talking, i could feel my heart being blessed. i can't even really describe the feeling. except that it made me feel alive. as cheesy as that sounds. and at that point, i realized something.

last year (well.. first semester last year), i went out multiple times a week with trace. we'd go to paynes. and we'd talk. she always asked me if i was in the word. she always asked me how the Lord was working in my life. even though i knew she would ask me, i was still caught off guard sometimes. i liked that, though. i needed that. and right now, i crave that.

i know it's important to talk... to write... to journal... to somehow express myself. but my "usual" friends i'd go to talk with are graduated or gone. and i haven't made an effort to set aside time to have coffee and talk with anyone else... not on a regular basis, anyway. i blame myself entirely. i also haven't been faithfully journaling. and my time in the word has been just "ok." that has to change. it all does.

i'm going to work on the whole talking thing. and being in the word more. but in the spirit of writing again, i need to get some things out in the open. a few of my "secrets," if you will.

1. i miss ireland. i'm tired of surpressing that because i think people will get annoyed when i talk about it. i miss the country, the culture, the community, the sea, the quiet times, the constant and intense beauty... i miss the independence and the times i'd sit on those massive rocks just watch the waves... just to be. i miss that more than i can say.
2. i miss laurel. i haven't talked or written about her in a long time. but that doesn't mean i don't think of her every day. my heart is healing. but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting at times. my lack of writing about her is rooted in my feeling like i should be "getting over" the whole situation... like i should finally be ok. and time is helping for sure. but sometimes something will remind me of her... and it just hurts.
3. i miss having those older, Godly influences in my life (i'm mainly referring to my 1ne girls who graduated last year). i know that graduating is inevitable :) but it still sucks. and i still feel that void.

i have more, but i think that's more than enough for one blog entry. (but you know - just typing those out is so freeing! i'm tired of holding those inside.)

so now that i've spewed emotions all over this little blog (which is really more for my sanity's sake than anything else), i think i know what i need to do.

1. write more.
2. more coffee dates.
3. dare to miss places and people even when it hurts. (not acknowleding them hurts even more, i think.)
4. sleep more.
5. spend more time alone.
6. spend more time in the word.
7. spend less time doing homework and more time scrapbooking or collaging or writing notes... you know - the therapeutic stuff. :)
8. drink more tea. seriously. it helps.

whew. i feel so much better.

ever felt like this?

...yeah, me too.

pass that parcel.

you know those little pieces of truth you hear in sermons and talks that just stick with you?  you know - the kind you recall in the most critical times.  it can be a story or metaphor...  my mom calls them "nuggets."  haha.

well i got one today.  a good one.

in chapel, the speaker (who had the most amazing scottish accent!) gave the analogy of this british game (essentially hot potato for americans) called "pass the parcel."  in this little british party game, children pass a parcel around in a circle.  when the music stops, the object is to be empty handed.  ...did you catch that?

the object of the game - the only way to win - is to end up  empty handed.

i love this.  i almost started tearing up during this point in his message.  it was as if God was like, "here, blake.  this one's for you."  it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear.  see, i usually try to hold on to situations in my own strength.  but lately, i've felt the Lord slowly prying my fingers away...  from housing plans for next year...  from summer internships...  from relationships...  from future plans.  it's not fun, but it's freeing.  and i'm slowly learning to be okay with it.  He hasn't failed me yet.  i don't know why i worry.

so today, i prayed.  and i passed that silly parcel.