Could you kindly point me in the direction of this "next step"? Ok, thanks.

I tend to make music mixes... often. Regardless of my emotional state, music makes me feel alive. "It'sabeautifulday,whydon'twerollthewindowsdown?" mixes and "ijustgraduatedcollegeandamfeelingsofreakingdepressed" mixes... I have what you might call an overabundance of playlists and folders in my itunes for very specific emotions or people. It's sick. Perhaps it's time for a little spring cleaning.

Anyway. Lately, I've been listening to some rather melancholy tune-age, kind of bordering on inspiring and bittersweet... if you know what I mean. I guess I'm just missing people and places and things and lifethewayitusedtobe. The music helps. Something new and sweet and beautiful will come along eventually, right? (I hope?) In the meantime, I've been escaping to coffee shops... daily. The solitude helps. So does the coffee.

This job search thing is harder than I anticipated. I've been looking all semester, but after being home for a week, I'm discovering what patience really means. (It sucks.) And now I'm applying for grad school?? I must be crazy. But I can't get Mars Hill out of my head. I know I don't have the money, but I've just decided to apply and see what happens. I talked to the Admissions Director on the phone today. When she asked where I was from again, I responded, "St. Louis." She coughed a little and said "Oh my gosh, that's so weird..." She was drinking coffee from a St. Louis mug with a little picture of the arch on it. She said she never used that mug. (Cue creepy sound effect.) Probably a total coincidence, right? Right. But it was enough to make me secretly hope it was God. If I go to Mars Hill, it will be ALL because of God. It's so doubtful, and I'm trying not to get any hopes up... at all... but if I don't apply, I'll never know. Worst case scenerio, I lose $50.

It's hard to be in this in-between stage of life. I am beyond Taylor. I miss it, but I know it's right and good and healthy to not be there anymore... to take the proverbial "next step." But I can't seem to find the stupid step. So I'm standing on one foot, wobbling as I squint (through the darkness, of course)... there are possible steps, but none are close enough or solid enough to step down on. So I'm in this strange sort of limbo... living at home, applying to places, waiting to hear, following up, maintaining my sanity, applying for grad school in SEATTLE (??).

I have to keep reminding myself I'm only a week into post-grad life. It seems like so much longer than 7 days...

Well...

I graduated! From college!

It was a fun/crazy weekend... And now I'm home, trying to sort out how I feel. Kaldi's has become my new "office." Not that I had an office before... but I guess since I'm now a college grad (and unemployed) it works. Also, this is my 6th time coming here in a 5-day period. Yeah.

I guess the biggest thing I've been learning lately is to give my mind to God. It's been a bit of a recurring theme, you might say, so I figured I should do it... Because afterall, I'm tired. And feel emotionally... cramped? And don't know where "home" is. And have no job. My mind needs rest and renewal. Badly. Worrying about finding a job won't help find the job. So, this morning, I gave it up to God completely. I know he'll open and close doors (maybe not in my timing, but he will).

It's just weird, you know? I've always had my life "planned out" one step ahead of me. But now, all I can do is apply places and follow up and wait patiently. And try to figure out where to put all my clothes... and coffee maker and books and mini fridge and lamps and futon and tv... Hmmm.

Love note.

Dear college,
I. am. done. Officially. Just hanging around for packing and festivities (and goodbyes? whaaat??) and the big bad ceremony itself. It's a little bittersweet. And weird. And surreal. But mostly, it is deliciously wonderful. I'm FREE! (Kind of...)
Ok. Actually, I don't know how I feel.
Love,
Blake

Last Week...

Life's been a bit of a whirlwind of late.

Last week, Paul came back from Ireland and spent a week on campus. It. was. wonderful.


Last week was also the Media Banquet... which means I am officially done with my portfolio and with our senior capstone class... PRAISE THE LORD!!!


At the end of the week, my mom came up to get Paul and to move out most of my stuff... always the most depressing part of the year. I hate bare walls and empty shelves, but it will make next week infinitely easier.

And now? I have finals... 2 of them, basically... and I am done. But not just done until next fall... done with undergraduate studies. Forever. Yeah, that probably won't sink in for awhile.

There are all these little "lasts." The last chapel... the last class... I've pushed all of it aside until this morning, when I went to my last Exit 59 church service.

I freaking love that church. I've been going since freshman year - with different groups of people through the years, and every now and then, by myself. But regardless, I've always known I can go there on Sunday mornings and be filled. Few things have been more influential in my spiritual life than this church. I have several journals full of scribbled notes and insights. I leave every week encouraged and challenged and thankful for the body of Christ. So, this morning, when I realized today was my last Sunday, I felt the tears well up... inconveniently, in the middle of a worship song. It's just hard to find a place I can resonate with so deeply... a place where I know without a doubt that I belong... a place full of broken and honest and loving people. Exit 59 is sacred ground for me. It was rough letting go this morning as I drove away.

I know this week is going to go by fast, so I'm trying to savor. Ohhh, life.

One of those days...

While I'm feeling very much ready to leave and move on with life, there's this part of me that gets tripped up every once and awhile... slightly freaked out. And then I remember to breathe and I'm ok. But for those brief moments, I revert to my childhood. Yesterday, I curled up in a blanket and watched Peter Pan on VHS. By myself. Neverland never looked so good...

I need a fricking job.

Hmm..

Hypothetical question: Is it bad that when I see an individual on campus wearing a Cubs hat, my gut instinct is to grab it, run away, and burn it?





(It's not hypothetical. This has happened... a few times.)

Next step.

It's funny that I have no idea what I'm doing next with my life, not even summer plans, and yet I'm kind of ready to take the next step. If you had asked me last semester, I'd have been sad... perhaps, a bit dramatic. But now, I just know that I'll be ok. And I know that college is only for a season. I can't stretch it out forever... and I wouldn't want to! I have a whole life to live. And honestly, that makes me a little bit giddy. I'm ready for something new. It would be easier to have peace with leaving if I actually had a job secured... but I guess life doesn't always take the most direct route. So, I'm learning to be ok, regardless. (Except I'm NOT ready to leave my wonderful friends. But I'm... not thinking about that part yet. Ok, moving on!)

These past few weeks have been absolutely insane. I've been drained in every way possible. And I felt a little like this slug...

But now, my portfolio final draft has been turned in... and is being graded... so we'll see. And some other bigger assignments/projects/presentations are over. So, PRAISE GOD for that. I can breathe a little easier now. (Ok, not really... but it's nice to have those things over. There's just always something else...)

A quick overview of my next few weeks:
Next week: Just... keep doing my thing. Projects and job hunting.
The week after next week: PAUL COMES BACK! MAYHEM! Senior Media Banquet. Study for finals, whaaat? Move out of the apartment... partially.
The week after the week after next week: Finals week and GRADUATION (May 23)!!!

Ahh. It's wrapping up quickly. Please pray I get some semblance of a job? For at least the summer? Ok, thanks. :)