agh.

probably my least favorite question ever: "so, what do you want to do with your life?"

annoys the crap out of me. but what's worse: if someone's not asking me, i find myself asking the same horrible question to my friends.

why? i don't know. but i think i've asked it 3 times today.

the truth is, i think i'm scared. maybe because i have friends who have already graduated and started lives in "the real world." maybe because i have friends who are engaged. maybe because i have friends who are MARRIED. maybe because i really don't know what the heck i want to do with my life. maybe because i get nervous when i think too far beyond tomorrow.

i wish decisions could just happen effortlessly and my life could just fall into my lap.

i know that's next to impossible. ...it's too bad anyway.

divided heart.

lately, i've been having a hard time appreciating christmas. this is weird for me. i'm one of "those people" who loves EVERYTHING about christmas. i love the blustery weather, the smell of christmas cookies, picking out (or in my case, usually making) just the right present, CHRISTMAS MUSIC, starbucks holiday drinks, christmas movies (HOME ALONE), decorations and lights... i even love the phrase "merry christmas." but lately, for some reason, i've been hung up with the fact that some countries (heck, even some families in the united states) will not have perfectly wrapped presents with shiny bows underneath their christmas trees this year... if they even have christmas trees. (am i being depressing enough for the day before christmas eve? yeah? ok, sorry.) it's just that i'm having a hard time appreciating it all fully when i know that some people have so very little. and some people, just have little to celebrate.

i don't know why this has suddenly hit me this year. it's not a fleeting thought, either; it keeps coming back to me. perhaps it has something to do with being more "globally minded" (which studying abroad has definitely done to me)? i don't know. but it's something i've been praying about... because i can't get it out of my heart and my mind. overall, our country is so extravagant... (and i guess that bothers me?) i want to enjoy christmas and to rejoice. and i have... and i will... but in the back of my mind, my heart breaks for those who have so little.

hmm.

sorry for being such a debbie downer, haha. i'm afraid it's all i've got right now.

don't worry, i'm alive!

it's been brought to my attention that i've been slacking here. (thanks, suz!) and it's true. so i decided it's time to give you a little update on the happenings of blake elizabeth.

there isn't much else to update you on. i've lived and breathed projects this past month. i guess i'll give you some picture goodness instead. i'm not feeling my writing vibes tonight.

recap via pictures:

the heat went out. beyond our smiling faces, our teeth were chattering...

naturally, to warm up, we did an ab workout.

festive, no?

silent night!

christmas karaoke @ the hollipalooza with the president, his wife, and our student body president!

ok. more to come when i'm less braindead.

late night ramblings.

today, i tried to figure out when life started flying by. i think it was sophomore year. anyway. i wish it wouldn't. i mean, everyone's talking about housing for next year. it's NOVEMBER, kids. before i know it, we'll be talking about fricking graduation. i wish SO much that i could just live in the moment (you know - the whole sucking the marrow out of life thing? yeah.) and leave the future alone. just let it happen, you know? unfortunately, that's not how it works.

geeze louise.

innnnn other news... i am quite in love with the movie dan in real life. (and the soundtrack. ohh sondre lerche.) if you haven't seen it, i commend it to you. it is funny. and quirky. and inspiring. and beautiful. yes. go see it.

also... finally saw boondock saints tonight. whoa. whoa. WHOA. incredible. that's really all i have to say. i rather loved it.

is anyone else as ready for thanksgiving break as i am? i am antsy. and burnt out. (when did that happen?? ...slowly, but oh so surely.) i think i'm just really ready for this semester to be over. shoot, what am i saying?! i want to be in the moment and yet here i am, just wanting to move onto something new and fresh and hopefully a lot less stressful. j-term should be the perfect cure. but... i still have 4(ish) weeks left of this semester. and it would be a shame to wish them away. so despite all the projects and tests and papers, i am going to REALLY try to make them the best 4(ish) weeks i can. how? mmm, more friend time... definitely. more walks. more spontaneous outings. more coffee dates. more swinging at upland elementary. if at all possible, less time in the mac lab. ...that should keep me busy for now.

ok. bedtime. but before i do, a smattering of pics.

[coffee dates with old friends are my favorite.]

[haunted corn mazes are pretty cool, too.]

[grace olson... my window is on the second floor, immediately to the right of the farthest right pillar. love the gorgeous indiana sunset in the background.]

[megs slept on my futon last night... and needed to borrow pj's. so i made the sox fan wear this cards shirt. needless to say, i needed a photo of this.]

oook. that is all. goodnight.

falling in love. (pun intended.)

it's a chilly, beautiful november afternoon. the sky is a perfect blue, dotted with wisps of cloud. the trees are radiant reds, oranges and yellows. i sit at my macbook, window open, wrapped in a blanket, attempting "homework," but i'm really just watching the falling leaves, listening to the weepies, drinking coffee. it's inspiring, really. i think i'm in love.

fast forward?

is it just me, or does anyone else feel like life is suddenly caught in this fast-forward mode? i try not to think about it too much, because i have a tendency to over-analyze and freak out and prematurely worry anyway.

anyways. i think i always at least try to just enjoy life as much as i can... as whitman says, "to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life." i think i did that in ireland, almost consciously, because i knew my time there was limited. i went off by myself to spend time with the sea and God and my caramel latte from homans. and then i, of course, spent loads of quality time with my fellow isp'ers, exploring new towns and coffeeshops, going to sweet concerts, paintballing, hiking, road trips, and the list could go on and on until you just want to slap me in the face to bring me back to the reality that i'm not there anymore...

looking back, i'm pretty sure i enjoyed that experience to the fullest. and it was such a beautiful, healthy balance, you know? but now that i'm back at taylor, in the middle of the semester, i honestly don't know where the time has gone. i think, even after being back for two months, that i'm still not "all here." my mindset changed so much over there. i learned to be still and to just enjoy. and i could do that, because i didn't have two tests, a project, quiz, and paper all due the next day. now, i find myself just trying to keep my head above water. largely, i find myself yearning to be able to live deep again, to suck out the marrow, to just be still and enjoy. i'm only in college once. this is my only first semester of junior year that i'll ever get. and it's already half over. i don't even want to start down the path of freaking out about how in two months, i'll only have three semesters left till graduation. few things terrify me more. (dramatic side of me... coming out now.)

i guess i just wish i could slow life down a bit... every now and then... to hit pause so i wouldn't miss the imporant things. remember when we were little? and it seemed like FOREVER until christmas or our birthdays? yeah, me too. i kind of wish for that. just a little bit of that.

finally hitting me...

i've been realizing some things lately. as much as i miss the "good old days" on my old wing, i really do love it over here. i had a really great conversation with one of the girls in my small group last week. she also moved over from another dorm. as we were talking, it hit me that by living in these two different dorms with these two different sets of girls, i don't really find myself fitting into either stereotype. and, because i've lived in both, i'm realizing more and more how stupid those little "barriers" between dorms are. there are amazing girls in my old dorm, and there are amazing girls in this one. i'm thankful i get to see the bigger picture. and i'm thankful i'm here.

a few of the sweet things that have come with junior year...

top secret missions.

shaving cream fights with the brother wing.

melon gourd! 

hanging out with little brother/friends.

watching him get "initiated" into 3rd west. 

just being the random (but super sweet!) juniors that we are (or think we are). that's right. upperclassmen, baby!

tug of wars and teeter totters.

so taylor. i love school (especially being back here after being abroad and then home for the summer). i missed dorm life and friends and handy andy runs and paynes and chapel and yes, the cornfields.

in some ways, being back on campus is like riding a bike. i pick up where i left off and the transition is relatively seamless (except that this time, i'm re-entering the taylor life as a junior, an UPPERCLASSMAN. i sometimes have to remind myself because that is JUST.SO.WEIRD.). mostly, i love being back. but being back means i'm missing something else. the flipside of the coin is that i miss ireland. immensely. i figured i had the whole summer to prep myself, to sort of "get over" missing it. but there's really no "getting over" an experience that changed me and a country that holds such a dear place in my heart.

so i currently have this little tug of war going on in my heart... loving taylor, missing ireland... agh. i know i can't have both. i think God's teaching me a lesson in letting go right now, because as beautiful as those 4 months were, they are over. i can still remember and laugh and look at pictures and share memories... but i'm here now. and i need to really "be" here, you know? i'm only a junior once. i need to embrace it and live it up.

but... that's kind of hard when classes are kickin my booty. every minute of every class, i am reminded that i am an upperclassman. they're hard classes anyway, but taking them after my ridiculously easy "irish courseload" is a double whammy. and along with my 16 credit hours and my 2 jobs, i'm trying to squeeze in a social life... easier said than done. not to mention that now i have all these different "groups" of friends... my ireland friends, my old wingmates, my new wingmates, my brother, my graduated friends... trying to manage my time this semester is a bit like a teeter totter.

this makes me think of a verse i discovered during a quiet time on those big rocks by the greystones harbor:

"BE TO ME A ROCK OF REFUGE, TO WHICH I MAY CONTINUALLY COME." -PSALM 71:3

God is always there, just waiting for me to come to him. again and again and again. when i start to get overwhelmed, when my heart starts the tug of war thing, when managing my time becomes the teeter tottering act, i really try to remember that. i even wrote it out and stuck it on my wall to remind me. hopefully i'll get this down soon?

sweet weekend.

a few things that made yesterday SWEET:

1. having a brother floor (my first in my three years at taylor!) and hanging out with them.
2. putt-putting.
3. chipotle.
4. seeing hootie and the blowfish in indy.
5. knowing the next day (today) would be school-less.
6. realizing that the cards SWEPT cincinnati and are now .504.

it's been a pretty stellar weekend.

good old taylor.

so i'm working the olson hall front desk tonight when three women walk in. they're taylor alums visiting from chicago. (i'd guess they were in their mid 30's.) they were going into marion with their friend (our new hall director), and while they were waiting for her, we got to talking. one of the women is a former first norther (which, although i'm not living there this year, will always be a place dear to me). they kept talking about how many memories are wrapped up in this campus/area for them. they said when they were juniors here, mi pueblo opened and became "THE place" to go. "so much has changed," one of them said, "and yet... it's still taylor." they said they had to laugh when they pulled off highway 69 and saw a starbucks in gas city. "NO WAY!" they laughed.

this got me thinking. what's taylor going to be like in 10 years? 20? i know it will change, but i'm sure it will still be taylor. you know what's funny? i spent 5 minutes talking to these women (i don't even remember their names), but we had a common bond. it was unspoken, but it was so real. i heard it in their laughter and i saw it in their eyes as they reminisced. though separated by years, we were all taylor family. i love that. no matter what changes in the next few decades, i'm confident that taylor will always be "home."

junior year, whaaaat??

it's a strange thing being an upperclassmen. as a freshman, i adored the juniors. they were so familiar with the whole "college thing." they seemed so comfortable and confident with who they were. they knew so many people. they shared their grille food with me. but now? they've all graduated. and I'M a freaking junior. and it's awesome and it's scary and it's bittersweet. (mostly, i don't feel cool enough to be "an upperclassmen" yet. but don't tell any of the freshman...)

back in the cornfields.

i moved back to taylor today. aaand i love my life. :) there is something about this school... something so beautiful and powerful, i can't even begin to explain... i just know that as i pulled into the taylor entrance this morning, giddy with excitement and anticipation, i was coming home. i know that sounds terribly cliche, but... it's true. taylor's not my "home away from home." taylor is my home... just as much as st. louis is my home. (my family's just bigger here.) :) i am so blessed. pretty sure this is going to be an amazing year.

oh the memories.

so yesterday, in preparation of painting my room, i cleaned out every drawer, shelf, box, and crevice in my room. basically. and you would not believe how much junk i threw away! but what i couldn't believe is how many memories i rediscovered. every card, note, picture, piece of paper, ticket stub, and letter... they're all tied to very specific memories... some which i was ok parting with... some which i will never throw away. would you believe that i actually teared up a few times while cleaning up my room?? i found my acceptance letter to taylor, my acceptance letter to ireland, my old roommate information cards, a packing-for-college list for freshmen, a bazillion handwritten notes from dear friends... i'm so thankful i kept these tangible reminders of good friends and great experiences. yesterday, i was reminded of how blessed i am.

oh, life.

i am unemployed! hoooray! as of last friday, my internship is completed, and i am a FREE WOMAN! (for a couple weeks, anyway... but i'm SO thankful for those weeks.)

last weekend was amazing. i think these pictures sum it up...

yummy food.
much laughter.
soap fight at the car wash.

right now, i sit at kaldi's in a booth by myself, sipping coffee, and trying to focus long enough to write my final internship paper. but i can't focus. you know why? because this just hit me: I MOVE BACK TO THE CORNFIELDS IN 2 WEEKS. but... i think what's more shocking than the fact that summer's almost over is that I AM HALF-WAY THROUGH COLLEGE. it's funny how things finally decide to hit you like that. i've been halfway through college for about 4 months now and it finally hit me today: only 2 more years. (and they will probably fly by.) that kind of scares me.

excitement.

so tomorrow's my last day being an intern. i've loved my time at efree, but believe me i am more than ready to have three weeks unemployed. :) i'm leaving right after work tomorrow for a weekend in CHI-TOWN! i can't even put into words my excitement. the first couple days, i'm hanging out with some wingmates (three of whom have already GRADUATED!). then, the next couple days, i'm hanging out with another taylor friend and rachel, my IRISH friend! oh. my. gosh. it's going to be uhmaaazing.

after a weekend of wonderful friends, i don't have much planned other than redoing my room. (which, believe me, is exciting.) ellie and i are going to repaint our walls and make curtains and get a new comforter and whatnot... you know, be artsy and domestic and all. i'm so excited. my room has been white with little pink stenciled flowers since... i was born. ha. so we figured it was time. i'll post pictures when the transformation happens. (hopefully it will be as amazing in real life as it is in my head right now.)

i am getting more excited about taylor by the day. (not an exaggeration.)

words to ponder.

"when i am talking to somebody, there are always two conversations going on. the first is on the surface; it is about politics or music or whatever it is our mouths are saying. the other is beneath the surface, on the level of the heart, and my heart is either communicating that i like the person i am talking to or i don't. God wants both conversations to be true. that is, we are supposed to speak the truth in love. if both conversations are not true, God is not involved in the exchange, we are on our own, and on our own, we will lead people astray. the bible says that if you talk to somebody with your mouth, and your heart does not love them, that you are like a person standing there smashing two cymbals together. you are only annoying everybody around you. i think that is very beautiful and true." -donald miller, blue like jazz

i really love this book.

it's a good day to be a cards fan.

i love going to games. especially when we kick some major boooooty.

i love our stadium.

i love our hardcore fans.

i love how many times we've won the world series. (yes. there are 10 flags.) :)

new bloggage.

so i started a blogger... blog. i've been xanga-ing for awhile now... over two years. it's been real. it's been fun. it's been real fun. but tonight, for no particular reason, i felt compelled to start a new blog. so here it is. (many more thoughts and whatnot to come.)